A survival mode kind of Monday

Today isn’t off to the best start. When your day starts off at 3am, it can be hard to start the day off right.

A combination of all 3 kids had me getting literally no sleep at all after 3:30am this morning, so I’m definitely feeling it this morning. It’s a busy day with a lot of appointments and, to be honest, I’m not looking forward to it. I really don’t want to pick my son up from school and drive him to his multiple appointments, while dragging the baby along with me.

But, it’s Monday. So I have to do all of the Monday things, even if I don’t want to.

Not only did this morning not have the best start, last night got pretty rough too. I accidentally threw something away that was pretty important, and even though my husband and I spent some time digging through the trash, we were unable to find it. It was totally my fault, I wasn’t paying attention, just blindly cleaning up.

But it made me feel awful, and like a complete failure and fuck up, and it led me down a bad path of feelings. I still feel badly about it.

It’s not even 8am yet, and I’m so tired that I’m already crashing. I got less than 5 hours of sleep, and my body just can’t keep doing this.

Luckily, I do have a trip coming up in a few weeks. So, if nothing else…I know that I’ll at least get a few full nights of sleep next month.

But for the meantime…I’m not feeling great. And my 4 year old will learn pretty quickly today that he really shouldn’t push my buttons today. Hopefully.

I don’t like it when I make mistakes that point out how much of a failure I am. I’m already so insecure, and making mistakes, like throwing away something that I use and need everyday does not help the situation.

I’m glad I’m ending the night with therapy tonight, because honestly, I am feeling pretty down. I’m feeling pretty hopeless and desperate, and I’m not in the best headspace.

Some days are about survival. Today is one of those days. I don’t have anything in the tank to offer to anyone else.

But I’ll do my best, and I’ll get through it.

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