Well, in typical Monday fashion (and every day lately) my morning, once again, started way too early at 4:30am. Ugh.
When your kids, who, theoretically are old enough to know better, continuously wake you up way too early in the morning (between 3 and 5am) every single day….it can be really hard to get past that. It can be hard to “start my day” with them at the normal time of 6:30…when they’ve already woken me, and everyone else, up hours ago. Most days I’m unable to fall back asleep, so I’m just awake. Listening to them being loud and doing things they shouldn’t do.
It’s only been like this since we moved the 2 older boys in together to give the baby his own room. But it’s brutal. I’m angry and frustrated and tired. So fucking tired. It’s hard to get past the anger and frustration I feel every day towards them. But I can’t just be angry all day. I can’t be short and cold and turned off. Even if I want to be…part of being a parent is getting past it. And it’s a part that honestly, I’m struggling with.
I’m also feeling angry with myself. I have been trying SO HARD to drink less. We have a goal that we’re working with in therapy, and I’ve not only been working to meet that goal, but to exceed it. To do better, to drink less.
I haven’t been messing with it too much, because I know I have to do it slowly. Because of withdrawals and brain chemistry and stuff.
For the past few weeks and for the next few weeks, the goal was to keep it stable, and exactly the same. And I’ve been doing that…more or less. Well, I’m doing better than I was with it.
But this week, feeling motivated by my trip coming up next week, I decided to try to drink less during the day. Usually I have 1 or 2 hard seltzer type drinks during the day, and then obviously high proof rum at night. So there were a handful of (really hard days) where I cut out the hard seltzers during the day.
But then, because I “drank less” during the day…I feel better about myself, or feel like I can drink more. So…drinking 1 less hard seltzer hours earlier then equates to drinking an extra 3 ounces of 94 proof rum.
Yeah…that math doesn’t add up. That’s not the same.
I sent my friend this text last night, because I was feeling frustrated with myself and just wanted to vent and talk about it.
“I’ve done GREAT during the day. Only had 1 drink during the day for like, half the days this week. When lately I’ve been having 2 or more.
But nighttime, as a result, has been a LOT harder. Like right now, tonight. I’ve already had my “allowed” amount. And it’s still fucking early and I want more. Like, a lot more. So the nights have been worse. Which..I guess is why my therapist insists I keep it stable.
I just want to do better. Not worse. So it’s frustrating. That now here I am, at night, doing worse. When I’ve tried SO hard to do better”
I think it shows my frustration pretty well. Sometimes it’s hard to recap things, and using my own words seems simpler.
Anyway, I have therapy tonight. Which I’m glad about. Because I’m feeling very blah, and very upset, and just kind of like I really want to quit.
I’m exhausted, I’m triggered and upset by things like Mother’s Day coming up, and then my birth mom retreat the next weekend. It’s a lot. And it’s frustrating when trying to drink less turns into drinking a lot more.
It’s hard when my intentions are genuinely to do better. And then I end up doing worse.
I’m angry and frustrated about many aspects of my life.
But I think I’m going to take a very Elsa approach and just let it go.
Today is a new day. It’s brand new and I haven’t messed it up or done anything worth hating myself over. Today is a new day to start again. And I can keep trying. Even when it’s hard, even when I’m tired.