A bad day, and surprise therapy

When I tell you that I had a phenomenally bad day yesterday…I truly mean just that. I mean that it was an egregiously bad day. And I never want to think about it again or relive it.

By some kind of actual miracle, I ended up having therapy yesterday afternoon. I didn’t have my typical Monday night appointment this week, which sucked, but she sent me a message on Tuesday that she had a spot open for Wednesday (yesterday) that I could take if I wanted it.

Even though it was only 1 hour instead of 2, I’m incredibly grateful that I was able to go. I had the kind of bad morning yesterday that led me straight to drinking, an incredible amount of self loathing, and I was just in no way, shape or form okay.

I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, and I still don’t really. But I did end up talking about it for a good while last night with my best friend. She was completely understanding and made me feel a lot better. The situation had to do with animals. And, again, while I don’t want to get into it, unless your an animal person, you might not understand.

Aside from yesterdays trauma, things are still the same. My husband is still…I don’t know. His mental health is in a fragile place. And unless you were looking, you might not see it. But it’s there.

I’m in a place where I feel like I need to be strong for everyone. And outwardly, I can be. But I’ll crash and burn quickly. I don’t have the stamina to keep it up. To hold onto that facade for very long.

Yesterday sucked. But it could’ve been worse. Therapy was good, and I’m really glad it worked out to where I was still able to go this week. I had to bring the baby with me, but he’s so cute so it didn’t bother me.

He definitely helped keep my anxiety at bay.

I don’t know where I go from here other than just to try to keep my head above water. Right now, I have to be the strong one. The one that’s put together and whole. But I’m just not.

I’ll keep up the act for as long as I can…but I honestly just feel stuck.

Im glad I had therapy yesterday. Because in the midst of all the messy feelings I was having, the thought that she’d probably be mad at me if I killed myself a few hours before I was supposed to go, kept crossing my mind.

And also, she got to see my very cute baby. So it was a win win.