The first day of different

I’ve said if before recently, but I’ll say it again. Today is a weird kind of Monday.

My husband is just…home. He’s home now. No work, no obligations, nothing. So we’re all just… home.

He quit his job last Thursday, putting in his 2 week notice. But he’s the most valuable person at his job, so, basically, his boss did not accept his resignation and told him to take a leave of absence instead, effective immediately.

So…that’s where we are now. He tried to quit, his boss said no, and now he’s just on an indefinite (unpaid) leave which will lead to him quitting at the end of it anyway.

It just feels like we’re nowhere. Or kind of in purgatory. Everything feels up in the air and undecided.

It’s weird having him home, because I don’t know the “rules” or the expectations. He’s taken long leave of absences from work before, but it’s always been for a reason. Like, I was getting surgery and needed help with the kids while I recovered, or after we had a baby for paternity leave.

But both of those reasons had clear and defined expectations. He was home specifically to help me.

There isn’t that underlying expectation this time. So…I’m struggling with everyone’s new roles now. Should I rely on him to help? Should I expect him to help?

He’s the kind of husband where I don’t need to ask, he’ll help me because he wants to and because he knows I need it. But…can we split duties in taking kids to therapy? In the daily appointments that everyone has? Can I rely on him to physically hold the baby because oh my goodness he is too heavy for my breaking down body?

I know I can. I can ask, I can have help, he’ll share in the responsibilities and take some of the workload. But it just feels weird. And it feels a little wrong.

I have therapy tonight, and the plan is for him to come with me. I have a feeling it might get a little intense, because the topic of conversation will lean heavily towards communication. We’ve been doing well the past few days, but communication has never been (his) strong suit.

I’m glad he’s coming with me tonight, I think it will be good. I just wish that during the weeks that he came with me to therapy, I had some extra time without him. I don’t want it to feel like I’m losing out on my own time…even though I know working on all of this stuff is incredibly important too.

Everything is different now. There are a lot of changes and nothing is the same. I don’t know where life goes. But we’re not going backwards. We’re not going back.

He does seem happier. The past few days, and especially this morning, you can tell he feels like a burden has been lifted. And while I’m happy for him and honestly, I feel similarly…I can’t help but worry about what comes next. We’ll be without a paycheck for probably at least a month. And that’s going to be rough. When the bills don’t stop, but the income does….it’s scary.

Dammit. I just got out of the shower (because that’s a luxury, a Monday morning shower instead of a Sunday night shower? Yes please. Another benefit of him being home), and I forgot to shave my legs. I got so lost and deep in thought that I forgot. Ugh.

See, like I said. Everything is different now. I don’t know where we go from here…but I guess I’m just along for the ride now. Stubbly legs and all.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: