Do you know what’s even more exhausting than going to therapy?
Going to therapy with your husband. When all your walls are up. All your fuck its are present, and your sarcasm to get through it is at an all time high.
My husband has been to therapy with me on several occasions. So this isn’t exactly new. So…why it seemed hard last night, I’m not sure.
Honestly, I think it felt harder and more significant just because life is harder and more significant.
For now, meaning…literally, today…my husband and I are in a good place. Or, at least that’s what the avoidant parts of me would have me believe.
It’s easy to throw the blinders on in my marriage and assume everything is fine. Because I’m only one part of it. And if I can convince myself that things are fine, if things feel like they’re fine….they must be. He must be feeling that way too.
But that’s much harder to do with just myself.
I’m more than half of the equation when it comes to just me and how I’m feeling. Unfortunately, I’m all of it. So that means I can’t lie or downplay or belittle. I know exactly how I’m feeling, and there’s no other person who’s input is required.
This morning, I woke up feeling like complete shit. It’s like, before, I could convince the world that I was okay. And now all I want to do is literally lay in bed and be depressed and not care. I don’t care about anything or anyone. I feel like a shell…just empty. And it just sucks.
For a little while now, I’ve been feeling so strongly like I need a change. Like I need something to be drastically different in my life. Coming from a person who thrives in consistency and routine, I really don’t understand this feeling or where it’s coming from. But it’s strong.
Therapy went fine. I probably should have, and kind of wish, that I said more things that were true. Voiced more things that I’ve been upset about or hurt by. But I didn’t. I was in a really weird mood, and couldn’t get past the walls up in my head.
Right now I have the strongest urge to withdraw from everyone and isolate myself again. I just don’t have the energy to keep up the facade. I feel completely drained, my batteries are completely empty, and I just can’t anymore.
It’s not a surprise, I knew it was coming. I just feel like the walls inside of my head have cracked. The crazy and the feelings are spilling out, and all I can do now is try to tape myself back together.
If my husband gets to quit his job, I get to lay in bed and be depressed. That’s fair…right?
I wish. I wish it were that simple. How easy it would be to give into the feelings. Unfortunately, my kids really don’t care about my feelings.
And it sort of seems like no one else does either.
Sometimes, I just really wish that therapy wasn’t a whole week away. I hate this feeling. I hate a lot of things right now.