I had an epically bad night last night. I started crying on the way home from therapy, and it got worse and and worse as the night went on. I literally could not calm down. And this morning, my eyes are still incredibly puffy and anyone who looks at me can obviously tell what kind of night I had.
I was supposed to be “productive” last night after therapy. We spent the first hour working on a to do list, and things to fill the nighttime hours with. And I tried. But, like I said. I was full on breaking down. And I could not stop crying. For hours. So…being “productive” just wasn’t an option. I tried.
I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again.
When the relationships in my life are stable, I’m okay. I can much more easily handle life and whatever else is going on, because I feel good about the way my relationships are going.
But when those same relationships get shaky, or I’m less sure and confident about them, my entire fucking world falls apart, and I just can’t.
Sometimes it’s worse than others. Sometimes, I can pick myself up and convince myself that everything is fine, that everything will be okay, and that it truly isn’t the end of the world.
Other times, like last night, I can not do that.
I’ve been alone for nearly a week now with no end in sight. My husband has not booked a return flight home from his trip to visit his dad, who is very nearing the end of his life.
In that nearly a week, I don’t think I’ve eaten more than 600 calories a day, I’ve lost 3 pounds (not on purpose), my drinking has significantly increased, and I have barely slept.
On top of all that, I had an extremely triggering and traumatic event happen that apparently was enough to not only fuck me up, but also destroy my therapy relationship.
I need reassurance.
Like, that’s it. I need an emotional pat on the head. I need to feel like everything is okay, and that things aren’t ruined and terrible and that things are fine.
I’m not going to get that, I’m not going to get what I need. And that really fucking sucks.
I am feeling extremely fragile and broken right now.
Because my husband is gone. Because I feel like I have no support. And because the relationships that are the most important to me all feel unstable right now.
I need someone to be stable. I need someone to be safe.
Like I said, I need a fucking pat on the head. Or a hug. Or to just…not be as alone as I feel.
This makes me so sad. I don’t know what your therapist said to make you doubt your relationship, but could it just be a big misunderstanding? Are you able to step back from your big feelings for a minute and reevaluate what she said and realize that maybe she was only trying to be helpful? I really don’t understand why she would be unsupportive all of a sudden after all these years of trying to earn your trust. Maybe she just had a rough day herself? I really don’t know what to write, and I’m not dismissing your experience. I’m sure you have a valid reason to feel the way you feel. I wish I could physically be there for you to give you a hug.
Please eat today. Your body needs it. Your kids need you to be your best you. You can do this! 💪
I can separate myself enough from it to where I can appreciate our history and relationship to see where she’s coming from. I can force myself to see if from her perspective, and I can try to logic my way into understanding that what she SAID is different than what I heard, or how I feel about it.
No, last night wasn’t great. It fucking sucked.
We’ve had rough patches in the past, and I think more so than anything, I’m less worried about how last night went as a single instance, but more terrified that “this is the start of things going badly again” and I can’t handle THAT thought. The thought that, “well, things are just bad now!”
If that makes any sense 😞
It does make sense, and it really sucks. I’m sorry. I hope your anticipation is unwarranted and everything will straighten out sooner than envisioned.
I realize you have no control over your strong desire to have stable relationships, but I hope you can prioritize yourself more to not need other’s validation so much.
Have you read the book “Welcome Home” by Najwa Zebian? I wonder if that could put things in perspective for you?
A lot of the actual work we’re doing in therapy is specifically this. Working on attachment, and forming secure attachments. Because of my trauma and childhood, none of my relationships are “secure”. So this is an extremely “me” issue, the fact that I get soooo shaken up whenever something like this happens, it feels just completely awful. But I think I’m a lot better on this front than I used to be…or at least…I’d like to think I am.
I haven’t heard of it but I’ll definitely look into it!
Thinking of you. How’s Derek’s dad?
They were unable to place any kind of feeding tube, so they sent him home from the hospital today after he received a picc line. He’s going to restart radiation again and just…hope for the best 🤷🏻♀️
Derek is still there
Hugs! Without knowing the situation, I would guess that the therapy situation will be okay. Therapists have seen it all. 😉 And try to eat calorie dense foods! Peanut butter is my standby when I can’t eat much.
And prayers for your husband. Having aging parents stinks.
I hope it’s not as bad as I’m building it up to be. I just get worried that our relationship overall will be strained 😞 and that’s basically the worst thing in the world.