I had an epically bad night last night. I started crying on the way home from therapy, and it got worse and and worse as the night went on. I literally could not calm down. And this morning, my eyes are still incredibly puffy and anyone who looks at me can obviously tell what kind of night I had.
I was supposed to be “productive” last night after therapy. We spent the first hour working on a to do list, and things to fill the nighttime hours with. And I tried. But, like I said. I was full on breaking down. And I could not stop crying. For hours. So…being “productive” just wasn’t an option. I tried.
I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again.
When the relationships in my life are stable, I’m okay. I can much more easily handle life and whatever else is going on, because I feel good about the way my relationships are going.
But when those same relationships get shaky, or I’m less sure and confident about them, my entire fucking world falls apart, and I just can’t.
Sometimes it’s worse than others. Sometimes, I can pick myself up and convince myself that everything is fine, that everything will be okay, and that it truly isn’t the end of the world.
Other times, like last night, I can not do that.
I’ve been alone for nearly a week now with no end in sight. My husband has not booked a return flight home from his trip to visit his dad, who is very nearing the end of his life.
In that nearly a week, I don’t think I’ve eaten more than 600 calories a day, I’ve lost 3 pounds (not on purpose), my drinking has significantly increased, and I have barely slept.
On top of all that, I had an extremely triggering and traumatic event happen that apparently was enough to not only fuck me up, but also destroy my therapy relationship.
I need reassurance.
Like, that’s it. I need an emotional pat on the head. I need to feel like everything is okay, and that things aren’t ruined and terrible and that things are fine.
I’m not going to get that, I’m not going to get what I need. And that really fucking sucks.
I am feeling extremely fragile and broken right now.
Because my husband is gone. Because I feel like I have no support. And because the relationships that are the most important to me all feel unstable right now.
I need someone to be stable. I need someone to be safe.
Like I said, I need a fucking pat on the head. Or a hug. Or to just…not be as alone as I feel.