A body that betrays

Yesterday was a just a whole day. It wasn’t bad, until it was, and then it just…sucked.

It started off more or less typically, we were preparing for my brother and his girlfriend (who we’ve never met before) to arrive.

I got some major anxiety in the morning and started panic cleaning, despite having cleaned absolutely everything the entire weekend before.

Everything was fine when they came, we all liked her (as expected) and had a good day. We went out to dinner, which was absolutely chaotic with a baby (and a 6 and 4 year old), so I didn’t eat, as much as feed the baby so he’d stay quiet and happy.

After that, in typical Monday fashion, I put the kids to bed and went to therapy. I was really debating going or not, since I know we had very limited time with my brothers girlfriend. But I am glad I went. I needed it. It’s the one time that I have for myself, and missing a week really throws me off.

After I got home at like 8:15pm, I went next door to my aunt and uncles house where everyone else was hanging out. We stayed there for about an hour, and then came back to our house to hang out, just me and my husband and my brother and his girlfriend. It was the part of the night I was most looking forward to.

I did really like hanging out with her, we’re a lot alike and share a lot of similar interests, so it was easy to have a conversation with her.

Things were good until they weren’t, and honestly, I don’t think anyone really cared about any of it as much as I did.

I was in the middle of telling a very funny story (specifically the one where I fell into an entire pile of trash when we were walking in NYC a few weeks ago), and then I looked down at my phone and saw the camera area was cracked?

So I took the case off, and hoooooly shit.

Shattered.

Both my heart AND my phone.

So, that was the first upsetting thing. Because it’s my own fault, my shitty hands don’t work right, and I drop my phone all the time. It was an expensive mistake, and I absolutely don’t have a spare, what, $1300? So, I’m fucked. And it sucks.

The thing that happened next was honestly so stupid, and I have no idea why I reacted so strongly.

I stood up and stumbled in front of my brothers girlfriend, well, we were all there, but she’s the only one that doesn’t know me.

Those that know me know about my shitty body, and know that I trip and stumble about 4,500 times a day. But I got intensely paranoid that she’d assume I was just drunk, which I wasn’t.

I defended it way too hard (confirmed later by my husband) and I should’ve just let it go and moved on. But it was just…idk. I had a really, really strong internal reaction.

I played it off and “moved on”, but then proceeded to absolutely have a complete breakdown after everyone went to sleep. And it just sucked.

So, I shattered my phone at some point yesterday or the day before, cost myself well over a thousand dollars because of it, stumbled in front of my brothers girlfriend who I’ve never met before, and was super embarrassed because I’m sure she just thought I was drunk.

Idk.

It was fine until it wasn’t.

Again, I know no one cared or thought twice about any of these things. But they both really, really upset me. And I just really lost it.

My body sucks. It’s getting weaker and more painful every single day. And I guess I’m really just feeling sensitive about it, and all of the issues it’s causing.

Long story short, it was a good day and a good night except that my body fucking sucks and I’m over it.

I do like the girlfriend though.

Sister approved.