A “break”, but not really. And the burnout is real.

Today started off rather unexpectedly, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed to happen.

Every single week day consists of MULTIPLE appointments for me to take my 3 kids to. Usually, I drop my oldest son off at school, immediately take one or both of the other 2 to therapy (PT or swallowing therapy for the baby), come home, baby takes a nap, leave again for round 2 of therapies by 11:30am…12:30 on a good day, drive straight to pick up my son from school, dinner, bedtime, and finally, a second of quiet for me.

Some days are more, but that’s a very standard day.

It. Is. Exhausting.

On Monday, I got in my car and I had 129 miles left. I thought to myself, oh good, plenty of gas. No problem.

I was riding E by the end of the night when I was driving home from my own therapy.

Today, we should’ve had 3 hours of therapy. But at 6:30am, I get a text from our speech therapist that her daughter had a seizure (she has a seizure disorder so it isn’t uncommon) and needed to cancel. Ok, one down.

Then, a few minutes later, our PT calls me and says she has the flu…so we won’t be seeing her for a few days at least. Ok, there go hours 2 and 3, split between morning and afternoon.

So…that means…today, I dropped off my son and came right back home…and I don’t need to leave the house again until 3:06pm to go pick him up.

I’m sorry, what???!

I’ve been low key trying to cancel therapies all week. Because I want to stay home and be depressed. And the thought of having to actually leave my bed sounded actually disgusting. But that would make me a terrible parent, so I have not done that.

Of course being home with a 5 year old and a 15 month old isn’t all sunshine’s and rainbows and easy peasy, but at least I don’t have to put on jeans, or wake a baby up from a nap, or shove food in his face so he can eat even though we have no time, or any of the other things that my tight schedule demands from me.

I’m happy for my day “off”. Tomorrow morning we’ll resume with swallowing therapy, and my 5 year old has counseling. But no PT, so I’ll have time to actually make dinner before getting my other son from school.

Yes, even writing this out is exhausting.

Sleep has been hard lately. And drinking has been…a lot.

Caffeine has been a lot. Self hatred and feeling completely fucking useless and worthless has been a lot.

I’m so, SO burnt out right now.

My oldest son’s birthday is next Tuesday, and he turns 7. We fly to the NIH 6 days later, and we’ll be gone Monday-Friday.

I have to prepare for birthdays and insane trips to be researched and tested. I have to make it fun.

And I have to do my best not to make it traumatic for them.

Yes, I’m exhausted. And yes, my idea of a perfect day consists of laying in bed and having unlimited Starbucks and chocolate at my disposal.

I’m withdrawing from the people I need to support me the most, and I know it’s because I’m feeling like too much of a burden.

The best thing in life right now is this little baby boy, who’s favorite place in the entire world is laying right here with me, as close as he can get, and pouring his love right back into me.

They’re worth it. He’s worth it.

Some days, I’m just grateful for these seemingly never ending cuddles.

But now it’s nap time. And I get to eat my one hot meal a day. And coffee. So much coffee. Never enough coffee.