Unnecessary self hatred, and worth being loved.

Yesterday was a whole day. All of them seem to be lately.

As always for a Monday, it ended with therapy. For some reason I was more nervous than normal going into it, but I think that’s just because I was feeling some pretty intense things, and that doesn’t always translate super well.

We talked about my son, and how his appointment went yesterday. Spoiler alert, not well. We talked about drinking, and how, spoiler alert, that also isn’t going well. And we talked a lot about the NIH, and our trip there in 13 days…and allllllll the big feelings I have about all of that.

I went well and I left feeling better than I came, which is always a good thing.

I came home, and my husband, who also had therapy, had Starbucks waiting for me and cheesy snacks in the air fryer. I swear, this guy knows the way to my heart.

We talked about how his therapy went, I was gentle and didn’t push but encouraged him to share what we wanted to. He opened up about a lot of things that I already knew about, but things that have always been hard for him to talk about. I was proud of him for working so hard to communicate, wanting to communicate, in a really honest and vulnerable way.

He’s basically been perfect lately. Don’t know if it’s the medicine or therapy or lack of migraines or all of the above…but shit. I’ll take it. For as long as it’s here for.

I felt weird the rest of the night. And I don’t know why. I kind of spiraled into an insane mess of self hatred, and just feeling absolutely awful about myself.

What probably was a culmination of feeling completely and totally unworthy of my husbands love, the guilt I feel over the kids genetic disorder and the fact that we now have to do this really huge and scary thing…it just triggered this really dark feeling for me.

I drank a lot, very quickly, towards the end of the night, and just wanted to die. But, again…my husband being the perfect person that he is right now unknowingly diffused the situation really well simply by loving me, and making me feel better.

He had nooo idea what was going on inside my head or what I was thinking, and still, he loved me enough to make me feel safe enough to go to sleep with him, instead of staying in the bathroom drinking and doing whatever else.

Sometimes, I feel badly that the people in my life might not knows the ways they positively impact me. Or make certain situations way more bearable and easier to deal with.

Like last night. With both my husband and my therapist. In very different ways.

And my WordPress community. Which is honestly a very huge and honest part of my support system.

Today feels very…emotionally hungover. Like, just the weight of all of these emotions and the self hatred and the guilt is just crushing me.

It’s not going to get better in these next 2 weeks. And I’m just so overwhelmed and scared.

I know I can’t handle these things on my own, and I know I will need to lean on people more than I like to. That alone scares me.

I just hope that all the strength that will be required of me to hold my family together during all the medical testing and the scariness of it all doesn’t…well, I hope it doesn’t end up costing me. Like, I’ve used up all my strength on everyone else, because I had to, and I’m left completely broken and unable to be put back together.

I don’t deserve to hate myself. Or feel as unworthy as I do. But, that doesn’t make it go away.

I think I just need to be honest about my fears and my feelings and stop acting like it doesn’t bother me.

Because trust me. All of these constant phone calls and emails from the NIH are just…it’s triggering. It’s hard. And it’s taking a ton out of me.