Nowhere to go to escape the pain and hide from life

The anxiety is hitting hard tonight. And I don’t know where to put it.

Last night was hard. It didn’t end how I wanted it to. The anxiety over my husband going back to work was too much. The stress of accepting (or not accepting) my new “normal” was too much.

I drank way too much, and possibly tried to self harm a bit. The desperation of my feelings overwhelmed me to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know where to put it. Or what to do.

I feel like I can’t, or shouldn’t, talk about these things with my husband. Maybe that’s wrong, but it feels like my burden to bear alone.

I want tonight to be better. But so far it’s proving to be just as anxiety provoking.

I want to jump out of my own skin. I want to escape.

Except there’s no where to go.

This is my life.

Currently, it’s shitty. And hard.

And lonely.

So, so fucking lonely.

There’s no one to talk to about this, my weird feelings about my husband narrowly escaping death. My own physical health becoming glaringly worse. And so on.

I just need to break down. I need a safe place.

Do you know that I haven’t? I’ve yet to actually feel any real feelings in a true and honest way?

Because I can’t. I have to be strong. That’s my job. That’s my role.

Be strong. Because no one else can be right now.

Except for the fact that I’m not strong.

And all I want to do is escape.