Aiming for a mediocre day

If there’s one true thing I can say this morning, it’s that I’m having a hard time right now.

I feel like my world is made up of shards of glass. And every step I take, no matter which direction I go, I’m at risk of getting hurt.

Yesterday I had an hours long panic attack. I didn’t even know that could happen. But sure enough, it can.

Today is the type of day where after I drop everyone off at all their places, my husband at work, my son at school, I pull in to get gas (for the second time this week) and instead of going home, find somewhere to park instead.

I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to face the reality of today. Due to a number of things lining up in just the right way, I don’t have anywhere to go today. Other than picking up my husband and son later today, I have nothing.

Usually, I crave these days of nothingness. But today feels dreadful. The thought of being home. Being with people. Having to slap on a happy face for the other 2 kids I still have at home during the day. It feels exhausting. It feels impossible.

When life gets like this, I always feel the need to do my own something drastic. Give myself a reason to be happy. To exist for. Like, as if I’m not busy enough, I always look to add to it.

I can’t even tell you how close I was to pulling into the SPCA on my way home from dropping my son off this morning.

My heart feels empty and hurting. And I feel like I need to fill it with something. I need something for me. I exist for everyone else. My days are completely full of caring for others. And I just need something for me. I want to be selfish. I want a buddy to be with me 24/7. I don’t think my doggo now would approve of a new friend, but, hey. He wasn’t a fan of all the babies I brought home over the years either. He adapted.

How I feel now is completely unsustainable. I need something. I need more.

My heart just needs a hug. That’s all.

My favorite radio show (yes, I drive so much that I do have a favorite radio show) just said “If you’re in a bad mood, prepare to be in a mediocre mood”.

It resonated.

So, I guess that’s my plan for today.

I’m going to aim for today to be mediocre. When a good day feels too far away, aim for smaller.