Vulnerability hurts, and when the anger fades to sadness

It has been a long, long week. And I think I’m glad it’s almost over.

Normally, Fridays are a more enjoyable weekday. The end of the week, the promise of the weekend soon to come, a less rigid schedule.

Today is not that day.

It’s giving some major Monday vibes, and honestly, I’m not here for it.

The Phoenix update

Phoenix is recovering from his surgery yesterday where they closed 2 hernias, umbilical and inguinal. He’s hurting a lot, looks super pitiful, and I just hate this for him.

Yesterday was brutal. He slept nearly all day and absolutely did not handle coming out of anesthesia well at all. It breaks my heart for him.

We’re not going anywhere today except to pick up my 7 year old from school later this afternoon. The day is ours to rest and heal.

Atlas, my 19 month old (as of tomorrow!!!) doesn’t love the fact that I’m holding Phoenix instead of him, but Phoenix’s love language is physical touch, and he’s requiring a lot of comfort right now.

How life is really going

I’m feeling really on edge with my husband right now. For possibly no reason at all, I feel like he hates me and he’s going to leave.

This is a common theme with us. Not anyone actually leaving, but the fear of him leaving me. I don’t feel secure whenever anything feels even slightly off. And in this moment, everything feels slightly off.

Right now, I need just a ton of consistency and reassurance from my people. I need them to be there. To be present and safe and just…there. Emotionally, physically (if they’re actually here), I just need a really a strong and stable presence.

I had a really, really good conversation with my best friend the other night. I told her straight up that I needed her, and I needed her in a different way than how things have been in the recent weeks. It was bold of me to actually be that vulnerable and to say what I was feeling, but it really needed to happen. And things have been so much more normal ever since.

Which is all that I needed. Our normal, typical, relationship. Where her presence is strong, and I know that she’s there.

A progression of brokenness

I’ve gone from being so broken and shattered that I just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t. Couldn’t anything. Just, broken.

Then I got angry. Pushed everyone away, because the thought of being even more hurt, allowing anyone else to have the power to leave me first or hurt me was simply unbearable. You can’t leave me if I leave you first. If I push you away until you decide to leave. See? I told you you’d leave.

Then I stopped. The anger faded away to the sadness and brokenness, what was there all along.

Now I just feel inferior. Not good enough. Like everyone can see right through me, the version of me I put out there that tries to be a good person.

The version of me that I want to exist, but doesn’t actually. At least, not according to all the voices in my head, voices that I’ve heard so many times from other people throughout my life (my parents).

I feel like everyone hates me.

And they should.

Because I suck.

The anger fades away to this desperate emptiness every single time.

It leaves what’s real.

And this is what is real.

If you think I’m a shit person, you’re probably right.

I don’t feel great about anything right now.

But it is what it is.

At least I know how to be honest with myself, and see myself how the rest of the world probably does.

Undeserving, and out of place.