Uncomfortable feelings

I still don’t really know what I’m feeling. Or, maybe it’s not that I don’t know what I’m feeling, and more that I know exactly how I’m feeling…and I just don’t want to feel this way.

Or that I think I shouldn’t. Or that I don’t want to feel this way.

I’m having more trouble than I’d like to admit trying to sort everything out in my head.

I’m feeling a lot of things. And anger is at the forefront. I think.

And I just don’t want to be angry.

Or maybe I’m supposed to be angry, and it isn’t wrong. Maybe my feelings aren’t wrong. And maybe it’s all okay.

Still…I’m feeling incredibly insecure and…broken.

My husband has been my rock, and my best friend, who even though she just had her baby 2 weeks ago and doesn’t need to put up with me, is still a huge source of support for me.

I know right now I need to lean in instead of pulling back. And so I’m trying. I’m trying to lean in. I need to write. I need to be honest about my feelings. And not allow them to scare me into silence…even though they feel uncomfortable and scary. I need to allow myself to space to heal in an honest way.

And I need to honor and respect myself for however long that process needs to take.

I’m not ready to feel angry yet…if that makes sense. Like, I want to be, but it’s feels displaced, it feels like maybe an emotion masking something else…it feels easy. The anger feels easy. And I just don’t feel ready to be angry yet. Even though I am. I really, really am.

I’m going to meet up with one of my friends this afternoon and walk around Barnes and Noble and get some Starbucks. Like, the only “safe” outing I’ll willingly allow myself to have. A bookstore and coffee.

I don’t know if anything will get talked about…but I’m allowing myself to option to have support.

Because right now, I really desperately need it.