While nightmares have always been a hugely unfortunate part of my sleeping journey, sometimes they are worse and more frequent than others.
Lately, the nightmares have been consuming a large part of my mental space. And last night, they were worse than ever.
In a good dreamed turned awful, my birth son was there. He was at taekwondo class with my older 2 sons, and needed a ride home. His parents said I could pick him up and take him home with us. But I had to wait for the class to be over.
All day long (in my dream) I knew what was coming up at the end of the day. We were at some sort of dinner, and my husband was there along with some other fancy adult like people. And I couldn’t talk about it or tell anyone. But I was literally bursting inside with anxious anticipation for meeting my son.
This dinner party thing was finally over, and we were on our way to pick up the kids. I don’t think I had mentioned it to my husband up until this point, but we were in the car driving there. I was looking down, either crocheting or looking at my phone, when all of a sudden I looked up, and the car was stopped. There was a person in the road, maybe 30 feet ahead of us, and they were laying on the ground like they’d been hit by a car. Not our car, but we were the only ones there.
So (again, this is my dream), we call the police and stay with this guy. I asked my husband if he hit him (even though we were nowhere near him and we didn’t hit anything) and he said he didn’t.
We weren’t able to get the kids, and I didn’t get to meet my son.
In the next “chapter” of my dream, I was a YouTube video type of thing with him in it. I think they were in Disney, or somewhere similar, and they were interviewing the family, and my birth son. I learned through that interview that his mom (who just so happened to have the SAME name as me!) was in jail, and something happened to his dad, but I don’t remember what.
So he’s had this horrifically tragic year that I knew nothing about. I didn’t finish the interview because I wanted to finish watching it with my husband, or someone else who could comfort me while I watched it. But it broke my heart for him.
Finally, we rescheduled the visit for me meeting my son. And his parents texted me that they know my son wants to meet me, but that “they are afraid to because……”
I never got to finish reading the text. Because of course, that’s when I woke up.
As if I’m not grieving and missing my son enough right now…the events of last nights nightmares certainly didn’t help.
They never did text me at all about his Christmas gift. I knew they wouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
I’m going through a lot right now.
And it seems like my birth son, and the car accident(s) trauma is center stage.
Trauma sucks. Especially when two different traumas like to get married and explode in your mind while you’re innocently trying to sleep.
I have a lot to talk about. And a lot that I’m feeling. So, naturally, I’m shutting down and withdrawing.
Something kind of big and huge is possibly in the horizon for me, and while it won’t change anything really at all…it also feels like it will change everything for me on a personal level.
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. For today, I’m still pretty messed up and shaken by the nightmares.
I hope tonight will be better.
But if it’s not…well, you’ll see me again.
I need to push back into writing, instead of being so afraid of my own thoughts.
