This morning started off bright and early at 5am with an out of nowhere panic attack. Love that for me.
Funny how these keep happening on Fridays. Every other Friday is pay day. Which normally is great. Except now these paychecks are spent before they even hit. And we’re in this cycle of things just being perpetually bad. Because once you’re behind, that’s what keeps building. That becomes the story. It’s exhausting.
So, yes. 5am panic attacks. No sleep. Because money sucks. The stress from the situation we’re in has been killing us.
I know I’m not in a terribly unique situation. But every month it’s getting worse and worse and I just can’t even breathe anymore. Like, damn. I’d take even just a few hundred dollars worth of breathing room at this point. I feel sick to my stomach over it lately. And today is just hard. Because like I said. The paycheck is gone before it even hits, and it’s not enough to get us through.
In other news, my oldest son’s birthday was yesterday. He turned 8, which is crazy.
He had a great day, despite not having a cake (literally because money is a bitch). But we got him cupcakes and cookies for him and his class at school, he had Dairy Queen for dinner (his request) and ice cream with that, balloons, and a few gifts from us, my parents and my brother.
So overall, he had a great day. And every single gift he got was Harry Potter themed, including some things I crocheted for him.
Thankfully, Phoenix is still the only one down with the flu and he has not shared his gift with the rest of us.
Yet.
Things have been rough here lately. My husband’s mental health is in the trash because of money, it’s a huge trigger for him and the only thing that really gets him down. my mental health is fucked because I feed off of his energy, plus my own stressors on top of it, and just feeling like trying to choke the life out of me.
As I’m writing this, my 2 year old is starting to sound pretty awful and is starting to get a fever. Ugh. I guess it’s his turn for the flu. Poor guy. He doesn’t handle illness well, and there’s no guarantee it won’t put him in the hospital.
Today sucks. No doubt. The last year has sucked. A LOT.
But I’m here. We’re alive. We have a roof over our heads and we have love. So while things are egregiously bad right now, they could be worse.
This is a stage. It will pass. It might try to take us down and kill us while we’re here, but we don’t have to let it.
Today, my focus needs to be on finding things to be grateful for and about. Because if my perspective doesn’t shift, I’m going to drown.
I probably won’t be able to have therapy anymore for at least the next few weeks unless something drastic changes. It’s just the next thing to be cut. We’ve already cut so much, and none of us wanted me to lose therapy. But it’s $200 a week that we simply don’t have right now.
So obviously, I just need to think positively and smile more and go outside and get some fresh air and hug a tree or do some yoga or drink more tea or whatever else shit they say will fix all my issues.
So if you need me, I’ll be outside hugging a tree or smelling grass or something. Obviously, that will effectively replace therapy and keep my mental game stronger than ever. 💪🏼
But in all seriousness, yeah. Things are shitty. And my sarcasm and fuck it attitude are the only thing I have keeping me strong right now. But like I said. It could be worse. And I am grateful for the things that I do have. Because I know that could disappear too.
