Oh, alcohol. Tonight, the lies of your allure pulls me deeper. You’re the voice I hear in my head. The one that tells me more is better. That more will help. More will heal, will help us forget. I know you’re full of shit. I know that one more drink, and I’ll wake up feeling […]
The lies alcohol tells you Read More »
10:09pm (oh, side note, this series of events usually takes place closer to 12am. Tonight was early for sure. That’s why he was so excited about the actual prospect of it.) Me: I want to go to bed. Husband: Great! Let’s put the bed down and get cozy and we’ll go to bed! Me: No…I
The nightly journey of an insomniac: Read More »
Tonight is shit. It hurts. We’re approaching midnight, and I just don’t feel like lying about it or dismissing it. I hate tonight. I hate this week. All I want to do is quit. I feel so fucking alone. Tonight was all of our last therapies until after January. No more PT or OT or
Does pain ever win? Read More »
I hate committing to words. I always have. I don’t have depression, I’m just fucked up. Or, I don’t have trauma, everyone goes through this shit. “I wasn’t sexually assaulted. And I definitely wasn’t raped. Recently, or for years on end in past “relationships”. I’m not suicidal, I just want to die sometimes. (I don’t
When words don’t define you…even though they might. Read More »
This is currently the story of my life. Everything can be going…as fine as it can be, I guess, but then the same thing happens nearly every night during the rough phases. My husband wants to go to sleep. I usually agree, because I’m exhausted. But then I start procrastinating, avoiding it at all costs.
When the nights force you to feel the pain you desperately try to avoid… Read More »
Today was fine until it wasn’t. We had my sons birthday party today…but tomorrow he turns 3. I was fine. I did all the things and I tried to keep it together…. And I did. But then they went to bed. And I still thought I was fine. But now we’re inching towards midnight, and
When birthdays bring grief Read More »
I know I’m writing a lot at night lately, I usually make a habit of posting earlier in the morning. But I’m having a rather hard time putting words into writing with anything less than 2 drinks in me. I’m finding the fakeness, the false positivity, the false hope…rather detestable right now. I’m just not
When the pain is real and vulnerable Read More »
Holiday season, birthday season…it all happens now. My youngest sons birthday is in a week. Then Christmas. Then my older sons birthday a month after that. Being a mom has made me realize just how much I missed out on growing up. I was never loved, I was never taken care of…no one was ever
I have never felt the love that I’ve needed Read More »
Today was most of what I hoped it would be. A perfectly overcast, gloomy, quiet day (mostly) to myself. A day I wish I could repeat over and over again. The hours went quickly and the day ended as fast as it began. That isn’t usually how my days go. They are usually filled with
The dark side of a “good day” Read More »
I’ve written this post and deleted it so many times over the past few days. I don’t know how to say what I need to say. No, that’s not true. I know exactly how to say it. For once, I know how I feel. Or at least I know the initial, gut reaction to how
When you hate how you feel Read More »
