When you’re taking your emergency anxiety medicine before 7am…you know it’s going to be a rough day. It’s not really strictly “emergency” medicine…I just don’t like how it makes me feel. I only take it when the anxiety is so bad I feel like I could literally explode.
Lately, anxiety has been a constant presence in my body. Even if I’m not feeling anxious emotionally, I’m constantly in a state of feeling the effects physically.
It was a rough night followed by a rough morning, all fueled by anxiety. And the simple cure would have been for my husband to hold me and love me while we were going to sleep. Instead, he fell asleep, leaving me alone with my anxious feelings.
I usually self medicate with alcohol. And by usually, I mean always.
Today I tried something different – I didn’t do that. I took my zombie pill instead. Usually I’d just do both.
I guess that’s an improvement, I don’t know. I’m just sick of feeling this badly all the time.
I have therapy tonight. I can tell this might be a night where I may have to choose my words carefully. Hopefully I’ll feel better by this evening though.
But if I’m being honest… just don’t have much hope that will be the case.
Today will be taken moment by moment…breath by breath. Each second I make it through feels like an accomplishment.
I’ve made it this far this morning. I guess that means I’m doing a good job.
I just spent an extra long time putting my son down for a nap. Extra long cuddles and hugs and giggles make all of the pain worth it.
I swear…sometimes I feel like that boy was sent here to save me. A few more hugs and cuddles and I might just make it through the day after all.