10:09pm (oh, side note, this series of events usually takes place closer to 12am. Tonight was early for sure. That’s why he was so excited about the actual prospect of it.)
Me: I want to go to bed.
Husband: Great! Let’s put the bed down and get cozy and we’ll go to bed!
Me: No…I said I want to go to bed. Like, I realize it would be good for me. But I’m not tired.
Him: Oh, well…I’ll hold you. Let’s try anyway.
Me: (with a full drink in my hand) Okay.
Me: But I didn’t finish telling you about this story from yesterday in therapy!
Him: ….okay. Let’s hear it.
Me: I’m doing that thing where I procrastinate again…aren’t I.
Me: ….okay. Sorrry. But wait!!!! I heard these cool facts about the North Pole today because of the Yoto daily news!!!! (For real though…anyone who has kids, I will never recommend the Yoto player enough! Spoiler alert, my kids are getting a second one for Christmas. So that hopefully they fight over it less…….)
Me: oh, you didn’t know those facts?
Him: (half joking…half not) No, I’m not listening. Go to the bathroom and brush your teeth and go to bed!!!
Me: Oh, okay.
Me: (grabs childrens book off counter. It’s a book older than I am, and the first book I ever read. I took it out of my kids room because I was afraid he would rip it accidentally). “You know, any book that starts like this, saying ‘this is a true story’…well, they certainly have my attention!“
Him: ….yes. It’s a good book. I will get you another copy. just in case.
Me: okay, great.
Me: Oh good! I finished my drink. I’ll go brush my teeth now and go to bed.
Me: (does all of those things. Goes to bed. Decides to write this blog post instead of committing to sleep.)
Him: …so are you actually going to be with me?
Me: yes! I’m right here! (While obviously typing this on my phone).
Damn. The struggle is real. This night happens nearly every night. We’re used to it. Used to the script.
But shit…We are exhausted.
At least I know I am.
He offers me the solution I want the very most. to be held and loved and…safe.
Yet I fight it. Not him, but succumbing to the horrific peace that only nighttime has to offer, I suppose.