Never good enough

No matter how much I want to, I’ll never be able to speak the words that my head is screaming.

I’ll always be a disappointment. Burdened to carry the weight of the world myself.

I need to get this away from me. I need to share the weight of it. This is crushing me, and I have no idea how to voice it.

My world has been left shattered and I feel the heaviest sense of betrayal.

From this can come connection or isolation. Trust or withdrawal.

I desperately want trust. I want to go the other way. I want to choose connection, I want to run to you instead of running from the world, from myself.

I’ll never be able to openly speak my mind so fresh off a wound. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to, need to.

I hate myself for every second that my mind and my mouth spend contradicting each other.

If you only knew how shattered I feel, the extent of the betrayal. You ask me who but I can’t say that. Not yet. That isn’t the starting point.

Shit. I have the thoughts, I have the words, I have the pain and the desire to connect.

So what the fuck is the problem? Why is this so fucking hard?

Of the people I trust most in the world, this assault came from one of them. I’m sorry that it’s so hard to convince myself to allow another avenue of trust to continue.

I want to. The desire to trust is almost desperate.

Trust me, I know I’m frustrating as shit. But I don’t mean to be difficult.

I just need to feel safe. In a world that feels out to get me, I need you in my corner. I need someone in my corner.

Because I just lost a person who I thought truly was.

I need to give this to someone, I need it to be less on me. But this hurts so fucking bad, and even that I can’t admit.

I just need to fucking feel okay again. I don’t want to be alone on this island.

I want to talk about it.

I just don’t know where to start.

I’m sorry.

But I can do better. I will keep trying. I’m choosing to try, to trust, to let my walls down. I just wish it was any fucking easier.

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