Today begins a new journey that I’m not sure I’m ready for, not sure I ever will be ready for.
By now, I’m sure you’ve learned a few things about me. I have a significant amount of trauma and unresolved pain in my life. My childhood wasn’t a walk in the park, I’ve been in multiple abusive situations, and just a lot of trauma all around. My therapist has been wanting to do EMDR with me for well over a year now, but I’ve pushed it off and resisted doing it.
Another not very well kept secret is how much I hate being vulnerable. I see doing EMDR as…well, as something that will only work if I am 100% vulnerable and open, something I just don’t know how to do.
It’s probably also pretty clear by now that alcohol has a certain..hold over me. When I first admitted (out loud) that this was a problem, I let the details slip slowly, until we got to the point of mostly honesty about it. The EMDR option sort of became off the table at that point…when she realized what “I think I’m drinking too much” really means.
What is EMDR?
“After successful treatment with EMDR therapy, affective distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and physiological arousal is reduced. During EMDR therapy the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while simultaneously focusing on an external stimulus. “
Basically, what EMDR is, is opening up events from your past, or traumas, anything unresolved I guess. You’re allowing your brain to properly open up and reprocess these events so that they no longer disturb you in the powerful way in which they did. So, anyway, a certain level of…complete sobriety is more or less required. I haven’t had a day of sobriety in…well, longer than that.
Guys, I’m gonna be real. I feel like my shit is too big for this actually work on me. That, and my brain will absolutely fight the process every step of the way. (But I’m really going to try to not fight it.)
Things are a lot better than they were last year at this time, but I’m still not sober enough to do EMDR. This is a problem we’ve been working on for a while now.
So, all that to say, today we’re doing something new. It’s, I guess a type of EMDR, but its more specifically tailored to addictions. It’s called the Feeling State Addiction Protocol.
You know me by now. I’m skeptical, sarcastic and cynical. On top of the events from the very recent past, I’m inclined to say fuck this and not even try.
I want to shut down. I want to be angry at the world for what happened. Really, I want to take every ounce of trust I had for everyone remaining in my life and throw it in their fucking faces.
Yes, I’m angry. I’m rightfully angry. I was betrayed in a big way and I’m still trying to deal with that.
The idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with somebody after that… Even somebody I do have a trusting relationship with… It just feels like I’m opening myself up to more pain.
Honestly, starting this today, something that I’ve put off for so long… It’s honestly terrifying. I don’t want to trust, I don’t want to open myself up to being vulnerable, to feeling pain. I haven’t allowed myself to feel pain in a very long time.
I’ll go tonight, I’ll try not to fight it, and I’ll try to trust.
I don’t know why this is something that scares me so much. I think I just hate the unknown, hate anything new, and HATE not knowing what to expect.
Hopefully it goes better than I’m anticipating, but I have my doubts.
But if trusting and vulnerability is my way forward…I think I owe it to myself to try.