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When things just hurt

Monday mornings. Ugh. It was an eventful weekend with no time for rest or refueling. We are still unable to go to the clinic for therapies, so the boys physical therapist will come to the house again today for a few hours to work with them.

Most mornings, my husband takes the kids on a run in the stroller before he leaves for work. So I usually get about 50 minutes to myself in the morning. To be honest, its my favorite hour of the day and I wish it were longer. It’s really the only time where I find myself completely by myself. This morning began nicely. My husband actually was the one to wake up first and he made me coffee and we spent a little while together before we had to get the kids. I spent my time alone having (more) coffee and enjoying the stillness.

But “enjoying” is too strong of a word. This weekend, along with being busy and crazy in general, I was forced to be around the person who assaulted me a few weeks ago. He cornered me and confronted me and I was terrified of what was going to happen. I didn’t even know he was there, and all of a sudden I see him standing there waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. He grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go. Someone walked into the house shortly after so he quickly let go of me…but it was terrifying. It could have been a lot worse, but it was bad enough.

This morning I found myself just staring off into space, not really thinking about anything, but fighting back the tears regardless. I just feel like crap. I don’t know how to explain it better than that. Even when I’m (trying) to think about nothing and just shut off all thoughts, I guess the feelings are still there.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a right to feel the way I do. To just be upset and despondent. I wish I could enjoy the few moments to myself that I have, but I just can’t. I don’t know how to make things better for myself at this point. What I want to do is just drink away all the pain, all the thoughts, all the feelings. I just want to numb myself and forget. But I’ve tried that. I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking alcohol is that magic little key to all of my problems, and of course it just makes it worse.

Logically, I know this. I am extremely aware that it will only ever hurt the situation, but still, the drive to drink is as strong as it always is. I just don’t see a point in being sober when being sober….sucks sometimes.

For today, I’ll just focus on my kids and try to make it through each moment. If we get nothing done today but singing and dancing and pretending to trick-or-treat all day, then so be it. Thats seems more important that anything else anyway! I’ll get through it. It’s just another day. I can get through it, and so can you. Moment by moment, if that’s what it takes.

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