Today has been a weird day. I had 2 hour therapy (for me) this morning, which went well, or at least I think it did. But ever since then, I’ve had this heavy and lingering feeling of anxiety.
I don’t know what caused it, and I don’t know why I feel so bad…but I just can’t shake it. I think part of it might be because of what we talked about in therapy this morning. My husband is coming in on Tuesday for a joint session and I’m…nervous.
I think it will go well, we’ve been doing much better these past few days as far as communicating with each other goes. But there are topics which very well might get brought up that I just don’t know how to talk about. And don’t want to talk about.
Here’s the deal. I still don’t know what he does or doesn’t know about what happened a few weeks ago. (I was sexually assaulted, raped, whatever stupid words you want to attach to it.) It was horrible and unfortunate and I’m struggling with it more than I hoped I still would be. Actually, I’d say “struggling” is an understatement.
I told him (sort of) one night after having a lot of drinks. I told him that someone hurt me in that way and that I was having a really hard time. The conversation went no where, no even sure if he responded, and it has never been spoken of again. This was weeks ago.
So, in therapy today, we talked about what would happen and what I would say if that did get brought up on Tuesday when he comes. And I just don’t know. I don’t have any answers. This isn’t something I want to talk about with him. I don’t want him knowing any details or any of it.
I don’t see how it would help anything for him to know what I’m dealing with. How when he’s having sex with me, I am so distant and terrified and trying not to feel someone else on me. The flashbacks are a nightmare and I just can’t free myself from them.
So…yeah. Anxiety. But it almost feels like that isn’t it. Or like even that thought is too much to deal with, so I’m placing it somewhere else. It doesn’t necessarily feel like my anxiety is about this upcoming session.
It felt more like I was worried about how today went. It almost feels like “I shouldn’t have even brought it up, and I feel guilty that I did, and I hope I didn’t upset my therapist” type of thing. I don’t know.
I just want to stop messing up. This constant state of anxiety is exhausting and miserable. I just don’t know how to talk about this. In therapy, with my husband….it just feels like any time I do, I shouldn’t. Or it’s wrong.
Ugh. I don’t know. This one is hard. Maybe I should just suck it up and stop feeling so much about this. Maybe I should just get over it.
That’s usually when I end up turning to alcohol. (Because that always works out great.) It will be fine.
I just wish I knew how to get through this. I wish I knew even just one way to begin to heal and start moving past it.
It’s fresh, but I’m starting to worry it will always feel this big.