What do you do when you get to therapy and there’s just too many things going through your head that you want to talk about?
Sometimes I’ll spend all day stressing out because there is just so much on my mind. There is so much that I want to talk about and get through in therapy, but I just don’t know how. Or where to start.
I’m lucky enough to be able to have 2 hour sessions to be able to work through all of my ridiculousness, and even still. I get anxiety because it always feels like there is too much for me to get through. Today, for example. I have like 3 or 4 pretty serious things going on that I need to at least voice and be out there in the universe…but obviously that probably can’t happen. I’m not going to go in there and be like “okay, so today we’re going to work through adoption issues, sexual assault, how to be a better person, other significant issues, oh and also do you want to read this thing that I wrote?”
That’s just unrealistic and not going to happen. More often than not, the more I feel I have burdening me, the more I go into it shut down and sarcastic and talking about random things. When there’s only 1 or 2 things that have been really messing with me, that’s a bit easier. I know I can probably say them if I want to, and I still have time to work through to my anxiety that is always present and the beginning of therapy.
I have to leave in less than a half hour, and I’m still debating what I should talk about or not. Last night I wrote some pretty…interesting? Dark? I don’t know how to label it. I put in writing who the person was that hurt me a few months ago. I’ve never said who it was. I’ve never written it or implied it in any way. So..I should probably let her read that.
But I also really don’t want to. It feels vulnerable in ways that I don’t want to be. I don’t think anyone ever wants to feel that vulnerable…but here we are.
And that’s just one thing. The other things I want to talk about feel almost equally as big.
So…don’t worry guys, I know what to do.
I’m absolutely going to go in there and talk about the weather (literally. I’m so excited it might rain tonight. It hasn’t rained any time I’ve been in therapy for years. It’s become a thing now.) And I’ll definitely make some dark jokes. And probably waste a whole lot of time doing that.
See? I’m awesome at this therapy thing, come on now.
Ugh. No, but really. I should at least try to avoid doing what I know I always do. I’m going to try to make the most out of tonight…
Even if it’s brutal.