I wonder if you hear me

When you ask me how I am, and I tell you that “I’m fine, I always am”. Do you hear the sarcasm masking my screams of agony?

When you ask if I’m okay (if you even ever do) and I give a snarky smirk and response of “hah. Of course I’m fine.” Do you ever consider that I’m not?

When I tell you that I need you, when I actually voice that I’m not okay… Do you hear me then?

When I’ve had 3 drinks too many, when I’m screaming out in pain…when I am telling you that I Am Not Okay!!!! …what is it that you hear then? A dramatic girl hiding behind her drinks, no real pain to bare?

When my scars become visual, a casualty of a lifetime of trauma…what do you hear then? Someone creating problems and drama for the fuck of it? Or do you see someone who needs a 6 hour long hug and 72 cups of coffee to warm her soul?

When you see me hiding in the bathroom, terrified of sleep. And I do mean absolutely terrified of it. What is it that you hear? Someone trying to torture you by keeping you awake? Or could you perhaps, instead, see a girl who can’t take a second more of any additional helpless pain in this lifetime, and nightmares are truly just that?

What do you hear when I tell you that I’m not okay? What do you think I’m trying to tell you when I’m voicing my pain and my experience?

How can you believe me and take me at word through my snarky laugh and my sarcastic remarks?

You don’t hear me when I’m honest, and you take me at my word when I’m lying… Because make no mistake. Sarcasm is oftentimes a glorified synonym for lying.

When I tell you that I’m afraid of him, when I beg you not to leave me alone with him…to please stay near me and never let me out of your sight when he’s around… when you’ve flat out seen some of what he does to me… what could you possibly be hearing when I say that? When I tell you how upset I am? When you see a very visible change in my behavior after he’s around me?

Do you think I’m being “too much”? Or are you just afraid too, and you don’t know what to do? When I ask you if I think he did something to me, put something in my drink, and your response is avoidant and dismissive… what is it that you think I’m asking you? Do you blame me for this? Think that it’s all my fault? I wouldn’t blame you. I think it’s all my fault, too.

You don’t hear me when I need you. No one ever does.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sick of all of this. I just need to be heard. For ALL that I’m saying. And all that I’m not saying.

Can somebody please just hear me? Hear what I’m actually saying, and not just what you interpret..what you want to hear? What’s most palatable for you?

And if you’re not quite sure….could you just fucking ask?!?!

When I tell you that I’m not okay, can you please just hear me say that? Can you please just try to understand what it is that I’m trying to tell you?

I don’t know what else to do, but this isn’t working anymore.

What options am I left with?

You don’t hear me when I’m honest. You want to hear the blatant lies behind the words when I’ve given up on attempting the vulnerable truth.

Im sick of fighting this fight on my own.

I need my words to at least be attempted to be understood.

Anything less is insulting.

Anything less is a tick on the side of giving up.

Can you hear me now? Probably not. But that’s okay.

Because I’m fine. I always am.

7 thoughts on “I wonder if you hear me”

  1. I don’t know what to think. They tell me I am having a “pity party” over grief. But there are no thoughts, no words, only pain, mental and physical pain. They tell me to just accept it. No! I refuse to accept it!

    1. Living with any kind of pain isn’t something to be accepted. We can all do better, feel better. We’re not condemned to a life of hurting just because some else doesn’t see it. Especially when it comes to grief.

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