Drowning in pain

I’m struggling right now. I’m fighting to be okay, I’m trying to be strong, to be solid…to just be okay.

But I’m failing.

I’m questioning everything. My soul is screaming to just be done. I’ve been strong long enough, but I’m not strong enough for this. I’ve used it all up.

My days consist of desperate attempts to hide myself when I’m randomly overwhelmed with emotion, and my face is likely showing it.

Thinking about Christmas, about all the upcoming birthdays, makes me literally feel sick.

I haven’t felt this level of hurt, this level of loss, in years.

All I want to to is go to bed right now. For once, the nightmares of my dreams are more tolerable than the nightmares of my reality. But I can’t sleep, because I can’t breathe.

All I want is for someone to hold me and love me and just fucking….I don’t know. What do you do for someone who’s hurting this badly?

The second I go into my bed, my husband will be there. And he’ll probably hug me.

And the second he does, I know I’m going to melt into a fucking uncontrollable puddle of emotions and not be able to feel anything other than this ridiculous pain.

So as much as I want…need…the exact thing that my husband is unknowingly offering….that just doesn’t feel very safe.

I still haven’t told him about that night. I can’t bring up the words. I’ve been fighting this feeling all night. Talking about it would just….

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But this situation isn’t fucking going anywhere…and I don’t know how to deal with it!!!!!

It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t go away, it just fucking exists.

And it leaves me feeling so hopeless and so alone. So trapped.

There are no right answers here. There are definitely wrong answers….but the right answers do not exist. And if they do, that’s news to me.

So tell me. Really, please tell me.

What the fuck is a person supposed to do when they honestly and truly can not see past the pain?

I don’t see a point, I don’t see a way through. All I want is to survive…but I don’t know where to go, or what to do. I need people. I need support, I know I do. But I fight that, too.

I thought we were past all of this “take your breath away” kind of pain.

My husband is waiting for me. We’re 15 feet and a closed door apart…but somehow I still feel miles away. I wish I knew how to stop hiding…how to stop drowning.

One day maybe I’ll be able to breathe again….

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