Every…however often it is…things seems to feel worse. The shift is subtle, and usually, no one would be able to tell.
But there’s one area where the shift becomes incredibly blatant and apparent. I don’t smile, I don’t want to be touched, I’m not going to pretend to be happy for your benefit…I’m exhausted all the time and falling asleep at every quiet moment that exists.
There isn’t closeness in any sense of the word.
If you had asked me last week, or maybe 2 weeks ago, I’d have told you that my relationship with my husband was extremely solid. I was trying harder, I was forcing myself into the physical side of things, trying to convince myself that it was safe. That it was okay.
We were closer physically, and probably emotionally as well. And by physically, I literally just mean in any way. A hug, sitting close enough to him to be touching slightly, letting him touch my back or hold my hand….and then the other side of it too, I guess.
On my best days…I tolerate touch. I crave it, but I fear it and push it away. It’s never felt safe. It’s either like…someone is taking something from me forcibly and aggressively, or the other side of it, where if I’m accepting of you touching me, it means I’m in an extremely vulnerable state and just need nothing more than to melt into a hug and feel the weight of the world leave my shoulders.
Right now, it feels like fucking needles on my body when he touches me. I hate it. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to make it tolerable right now.
The shift is massive, it was sudden, and honestly, it’s a problem. I don’t know what caused it, and it feels like it came out of nowhere.
We were fine. There’s been no issues, no fights, no tension…
But all of a sudden, I’d rather die than have anyone touch me ever again. Which is stupid, because it’s partially the opposite of what I want.
I think part of it is that I do desperately want the other side of it, the melt into a hug and just let myself feel sad and vulnerable side of it. But I don’t know how to do that. I just never feel safe enough.
Ah. In writing this, in exploring this thought…it wasn’t random. This shift had a trigger.
I had to see him. The neighbor, the family member, the one who feels it’s now his right to sexually assault me whenever the opportunity presents itself. I’ve seen him twice in the past 2 weeks and have been in unsafe situations with him. He’s been texting me more, and once again, being more bold and making me more uncomfortable.
I’ve tried to ignore it, I’ve tried to put it out of my head. I honestly thought I was succeeding….but I was very clearly wrong.
I want a hug, I want to be held, I want to feel safe.
Yet my body feels like it has a thousand knives in it whenever someone touches me.
I’m so tired. This perpetual exhaustion is killing me. I can’t force my body to bend to my will any further. It’s forcing me to shut down. I hate bending to the will of my body. I hate sleeping, I hate sleeping when I’m not trying to. When it’s no longer my choice.
I’m so tired that I don’t even want to drink. I will anyway, obviously, because I still want to, or need to, on some level. But that just goes to show the level of “tired” that I am.
This isn’t working. I hate this. I don’t think it’s ever going to be better.
The sad part is that I really thought I was doing better. I was forcing myself to pretend to be okay with my husband, with him being close to me or touching me…I convinced myself that I was over it.
But I guess I never will be.
I’m a fuck up, I’m undeserving, and I don’t deserve to ever feel safe.
All I ever want is love. The most unattainable force on this planet.
Why do I push away the very thing I want the most?
Why does the very thing I want the most have to feel so unsafe?