Birth Dad

I don’t talk about him much….but, birth dad? You’re important to me.

My husband is not the father to my 7 year old boy who I placed for adoption.

His birth dad is my ex. And honestly? He’s the very person who saved me from myself during those years where life seemed too impossible to live.

I can’t hate him. No, I don’t love him, but I sure don’t hate him. And even still…it’s extremely hard to say that I don’t love him.

Because…I do.

No, not in the way I love my husband. Not in the way you love anyone romantically…but I won’t lie to you. I do have love for him.

He’s not perfect. Our relationship wasn’t perfect. It was…tumultuous. He was able to bring out the best, and the very worst in me. And I think I did the same with him.

He is 6 years older than me, and we met when I was 17. We were together for over 3 years. I got pregnant with him when I was 19. It was like 2 weeks after my 18th birthday when I found out. I was in the middle of my own mental health crisis and I was using copious amounts of alcohol to deal with it. (Is anyone here surprised by this?) But finding out I was pregnant made all of that stop immediately.

“I won’t tell you what to do, but if you want to parent, you’ll be doing it alone.”

Our relationship at that time was the worst it ever was, but I was all in. I loved that baby from the very moment that he existed. He saved me from myself, and I wasn’t going to let anything happen to him.

If there’s anything that I’m still angry about with my ex, it’s the way he left me. We were living together at my parents house 3 months after our son was born and placed for adoption. My family and I went on vacation (already planned years in advance) and he moved out of the house without telling me while we were away.

So…yeah. I’m still pissed about that.

He did some shitty things while we were together, and I’d probably define it an abusive relationship at times. But emotions were certainly running high, and we were both already grieving our unborn son.

After he left me and the sting of it settled down, (did I mention that I met and married my husband that same month, and then married him 7 months later??) our relationship did get better.

In the past 7 years, he has always been there for me when I needed him. He’s truly the only one who can completely understand my feelings about the situation. He is the only other one that knows his adoptive family as well as I do. I don’t have to tell him how I feel on his birthday, because he feels it too.

I’m the one that communicates with the adoptive parents, and I always pass along any information and pictures that I receive. He’s never made me feel unwanted or like I’m burdening him.

Last year, I was an absolute complete disaster around my birth sons birthday. My husband and I were on very rocky ground at that point, probably because I was a hot mess, and Birth Dad was my rock. He helped me through that time, simply by allowing me to drunkenly message him absolutely falling apart in grief. He was there, and he stood by me and he understood my pain.

One of the things I have always loved about him is just how well he knows me. He knows how I think, how I feel…he came into my life right after a very traumatic event, which led to me attempting to kill myself. He was there, and he got me through it. Since day 1, he has encouraged me to open up and be vulnerable. He taught me that it was safe to talk about my feelings and that there was someone out there who actually….cared.

I will always thank him for his patience with me. Both back then, and now. Our relationship wasn’t always good, and we did not always treat each other well.

But Birth Dad, you’re always there for me when I need you. And I hope you know I’m always here for you too. We signed up for a lifelong journey when we gave life to our son. Thank you for sticking it out with me, and for continuing to support me when it comes to him.

I hope we get to meet him together one day.

Goodnight, little one.
((I love you always, but today I love you extra))