Last night in therapy we were trying to get more into EMDR and I guess do all the state change things. Apparently that should only take like 20 minutes to get through, but I guess it took me over and hour. And I still fucked it up.
I’m more than a little bit frustrated with myself. My brain just won’t go where it needs to go without me fighting it or questioning it. She thinks I’m fighting it and I’m honestly not trying to. I get why it seems like that…but I’m not trying to.
I honestly just feel like such a failure today. I feel like I’m trying so hard and even still…it’s never good enough. It’s like no matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s not enough.
I feel like the weight of the world is constantly on my shoulders, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t lighten the load. It’s like it’s glued to me and it won’t let me go.
I know I’m probably being too hard on myself, but maybe I’m not. It’s just so frustrating that I just can’t seem to be able to do this, even though I want to. I feel like I’m letting myself down, and my therapist down. I feel like I’m just wasting her time because I’m not good enough. And because I can’t get it right.
Ugh. I’m just feeling really bad about myself today. It’s probably not a big deal, but it’s just frustrating.
I want to do better. Maybe I still can…maybe I’ll be able to get this one day.