It has been 32 days since I’ve taken a drink.
It’s been that long since I got a positive pregnancy test.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel complete, or accomplished, or any sort of positive thing about it…but I don’t. It doesn’t feel earned. It doesn’t feel like anything worthy of recognition.
But at the same time…I really wish there was at least one person in my life that acknowledged this. Like…everyone who knows me well enough has spent the last 3 years saying “hey, you drink a lot. Maybe…drink less?” Like, it’s a known fact that if you’re very close to me in any way, you’re familiar with my intense struggles with alcohol.
So, if those people had a voice (rightfully so) then…where are they now? Where are any tiny voices or whispers of good job? Or I’m proud of you?
I get it. It’s not a big deal, I basically cheated, and I didn’t get sober because I wanted to. I did it because I had to. So maybe that doesn’t count, maybe it takes something away from it, whatever.
But still. That doesn’t change how hard this shit has been. Every single day, my thoughts are with drinking. How long until I can, convincing myself one drink would be okay, then reasoning with myself and saying no, of course even one drink is not okay.
It’s hard. Every fucking day is hard. But I’ve done it. And I will continue to.
And shit. Maybe I don’t deserve it. But it would feel really nice if anyone recognized that this is still a huge struggle for me, but was proud of me anyway.
I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever been able to get past 24 hours sober in the past 3 years…let alone an entire month. So it’s been hard. It’s been hard just to even get up to this point.
I know I shouldn’t be “proud” of myself necessarily. Because I did have to, and it wasn’t a choice. And I shouldn’t have been in that position anyway, where alcohol had become the most important thing in my life. But here we are.
And I guess it just hurts that no one has really acknowledged it at all.
I don’t need anyone to. But I guess sometimes, it’s just easier to walk certain roads with someone else…and not quite so alone.