I don’t have the words to express how I’m feeling right now, and honestly I feel like I’m wrong for even feeling them.

I just got home from therapy, and, as you may or may not know, that’s been tumultuous lately. She’s moving me from twice a week to once a week.

I’m going to write this one very raw and unfiltered, so I apologize for that.

This feels awful. I feel abandoned and broken. While it wasn’t her intention, I feel like she betrayed my trust and has left me completely on my own. Yes, I’ll still go for 2 hours on Tuesdays, which I’m grateful for. But this isn’t a small blow, and I feel completely terrible.

I don’t know how she could be so wrong in thinking that this would be better. That Fridays weren’t “productive enough”, and that we’ll still be able to get a lot done on Tuesdays.

My life is shit. It’s chaos, it’s trauma, it’s fucking brutal. My kids (and my own) health is steadily declining at a scary rate, I’m facing a high risk pregnancy with a lot of scary things going on, and I’m trying to just fucking survive.

I need her, and I need her support. And to not fucking be abandoned right now.

I don’t have support. Let’s be real about that. I don’t. My husband does his best, but commutation isn’t his strength. And yes, we’re always working on that, but I need people strongly and firmly in my corner right now.

There’s not many people that I want to talk to. That I feel safe enough, or trusting enough, to actually want to be open like that with. The relationship I have with my therapist isn’t something that I have with anyone else in my life. And while, granted, it is stressful right now, she is a person that I need in my life. And I feel so fucking alone and abandoned by this decision that she made.

I want to run away. I want to run and shut down and put every fucking wall I’ve worked so hard to destroy right back up. It feels so wrong on so many levels. I feel like there’s just no point to this. Like why bother living when there’s no hope, there’s no support, there’s nothing for me.

I’m just alone.

I get shit on by everyone in my life. I’m constantly told that I’m not enough, that I’m doing something wrong, that everything I do is bad and wrong. My parents hate me and the person that I am, they think I’m awful, my other close extended family is responsible for raping me and clearly causing more harm than good, and I’m otherwise completely alone.

We didn’t talk about Mother’s Day, and how much I fucking hate it. We didn’t talk about my sons cardio appointment yesterday, and how that went fucking horribly. And we didn’t talk about my upcoming, very stressful and emotional, trip.

All of these things that need to be worked on and addressed, and I was so stuck in my head about feeling abandoned and like there’s no fucking point to any of this, that that’s all I could focus on.

I need her, and I need therapy. And I struggle so fucking hard to say the things that I need to say. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. None of it ever mattered.

And I’m not allowed to feel any type of way about this. I just have to fucking accept it.

There is no point to living my life when I have no support and nothing positive or productive to counter all of the fucking bullshit that I go through.

I’m alone. I have nothing, and no one. Not in the way that I need them.

I don’t want to live when there’s just no fucking point. There’s no hope, there’s no chance. I’ve said time and time again that I can’t do it alone.

And I really fucking can’t.

9 thoughts on “Abandoned.”

    1. Thank you, I might. I just feel so fucking broken. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I just felt nothing. I feel like I always get punished for caring.

  1. I want to run away. I want to run and shut down and put every fucking wall I’ve worked so hard to destroy right back up.

    I understand this statement more than anyone probably should. I am in a very similar place, and I know how completely demoralizing that kind of despair can be… when you desperately need a connection that no one in your life completely understands, and therefore, cannot provide.

    Try to remember that there are people who visit your blog, and feel (versus just read) your words. And I am with Ms. Ashley. Please feel free to reach out to me personally at any time. Sometimes, I find it is easier to converse with virtual strangers than it is with those in my “real” life.

    Alessa at baitlessbiter@gmail.com

    1. Thank you 💙 I really appreciate it. I definitely find it easier talking to my blogging friends than anyone in real life.
      I’m sorry that you understand that statement and feeling. It really is awful.
      You put it very well, needing a connection that no one understand, therefore can’t provide. That’s exactly how it feels.
      I’m glad my words make sense. That’s why I love writing so much..because those who get it really do get it. And I love the connection that writing can provide..along with helping me find my own voice.

  2. This is awful, I’m sorry. I have abandonment trauma. It’s one of my biggest active triggers. To have it triggered from your therapist is the ultimate betrayal. (I know perhaps it’s not the worst, but of all the people who we finally let our guard down for…) 💗 I’m so sorry for all the stress you’re dealing with. I’m standing in your corner for you.

    1. I have such severe attachment and abandonment issues and this was…the blow was fucking brutal. Not gonna lie. I just want things to be normal again and go back to the normal routine where I actually felt somewhat secure and supported. It’s been really hard to get through. I’m sorry you have to understand that feeling. It’s definitely not a good feeling to have.

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