My birthday is next Friday, which I’m honesty a little bit excited for. I very sarcastically make a big deal out of my birthday every year and hope my husband comes through in making me feel special.
Honestly, he usually does a pretty good job. It just feels like the one and only day of the year that’s really truly mine. The only day that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own. It’s literally the only day, the only “celebration” that comes that I don’t need to plan for anyone, or think about anyone else. And that aspect alone is probably the best part.
This weekend is a 3 days weekend due to the 4th of July, and honestly, I’m feeling relieved just thinking about it. I’ve been so beyond exhausted, physically and mentally, and I am ready to accept the help and the rest that I hope the weekend has to offer.
This weekend also poses it’s own significant challenges though. Holidays in the summertime bring certain…gatherings. Which means that some of my extended family will be coming over to “celebrate”…which means that I’m going to be face to face with the person who has raped and assaulted me on numerous occasions throughout the past year.
It started in late June last year, and it escalated significantly in July and the months after. July has become a triggering month for me for that reason. I think it’s also when my relationship with my therapist started to feel strained as well. I was going through such a huge enormous thing…and I just could not talk about it.
I wasn’t okay, and I don’t think she quite understood the gravity of what had happened, what was happening. It’s still so impossible for me to talk about, let alone work through.
Besides my birthday, which, again, is obviously a HUGE deal, and I must be celebrated grandly, July is a bit tough.
This might be the most stupid thing I’ve ever said in my entire life, but I really don’t want to be raped again. And knowing that this person is involved in my life so closely….both in proximity and relation…I know that it’s a very real possibility. And it will never not scare the shit out of me.
Shared birthday celebrations, holiday gatherings, it isn’t possible to simply just not see him. And what’s worse is that he’s the ONLY member of my “family” who always stands up for me, and is otherwise kind to me. Talk about a mind fuck. Makes me feel almost guilty for hating him.
So it looks like I’ll have to see him 2 weekends in a row. This weekend for the 4th of July, and next weekend when they come over for my birthday. Really, they just use any excuse to come over, whether we invite them or not.
But for today, I’m just going to take it one day at a time, and try to be appreciative and grateful that I do have a 3 day weekend. And that my husband and I are in a really good place right now.
I hope the good things last, and no more horrible things come my way. At least, not anytime soon. I need a break, some feelings of light.
And I’m hoping at the very least, this weekend brings some of that.