Too many feelings

Oooh boy. I am having quite a lot of feelings in a week that it’s not great to have this many feelings.

Typically, I “pride” myself on being a very…unemotional person. Outwardly, at least. (There’s actually nothing prideful about this, it’s much better to feel your feelings.)

I keep my cards close and my heart locked up tight. I don’t show emotion, I don’t cry, and I’m not easily outwardly shaken. I guess it’s another tick in the column of “I need control”.

But, shit. Yesterday was incredibly emotionally draining for me…and I felt the entire, full spectrum of emotions. Oftentimes all at once.

The uncomfortableness with my husband left me feeling off for most of the day. And while things got “better”…I didn’t trust that they were actually better. So that left me feeling very guarded and uneasy.

Things are “fine” between us now, except that I don’t believe him, and I don’t feel safe around him emotionally. Not like he’s going to hurt me…I just have my walls up super high, and it hurts.

Then all the pent up anxiety and fear and bad feelings made me more or less actively suicidal…not that I was going to do anything about it….but the feelings were powerful and consuming. And the dark voices in my head just wanted to go ahead and swallow a few bottle fulls of pills. A feeling that has not yet dissipated.

But, alas, this body is not solely mine right now. So, refrain we must. And I did.

My best friend, really, truly, this girl is my best friend..was in labor all day. Actually she was in labor the day before too, but she finally got admitted to the hospital yesterday morning, and had her baby boy, her first baby, last night.

This is the first time someone in my life that’s close to me, like… really close to me, has had a baby. And it’s like…shit. It’s such a weird feeling. I’ve given birth to 3 babies…with a 4th on his way very soon. But the love I felt for this baby boy, and for my best friend…it was as real and as strong as if it were one of my own kids.

I actually got super emotional when I finally heard from her after a long silence (she pushed for 4 fucking hours!!!!) and I saw her little boy. I was relieved that she was okay (I was genuinely worried for a while) and I was so proud of her too. My own emotional reaction took me by surprise, and I honestly think I got more outwardly emotional to her baby being born than I did with any of my own. And by outwardly emotional, of course I just mean my eyes got watery. But still…damn.

I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights because I’ve been worried about missing a text from her…and also because now I can’t make it through the night without having to get up to pee. (Damn it, 3rd trimester!!!) The nightmares have also been brutal lately. So exhausted is…an understatement.

Usually, I have therapy for 2 hours every Tuesday. But yesterday morning I got a message from her saying she had to cancel because sickness is going through her household, but that hopefully she’ll be able to see me towards the end of the week. UGH. I mean, I get it…it’s not a big deal…but I have all of these disgusting feelings that I don’t know what to do with. And I really wanted to tell her (or anyone) that I DIDN’T drink yesterday when it was quite honestly all I wanted to do.

All day.

And all night.

And then all morning.

But I didn’t do it. Not even a sip. I only joked about it all day. (Yay for dark humor…?)

So I’m just left feeling really…I don’t know. I guess I’m feeling really drained, and empty and kind of….afraid, I guess.

I’m thinking, THINKING, about going to an online AA meeting this week. I wanted to talk about that in therapy before I would’ve had to do it, but now I won’t be able to, and that fucking sucks. There are just too many what ifs, too much anxiety, too many unknowns. But I can see the benefit of doing it, and I’m starting to come to a place where the benefits of going might outweigh the fears.

MAYBE.

Or, it still might be another 3 years that we’re sitting here having this exact same conversation. I don’t know. We’ll see.

So…to recap, that’s: too many feelings, new babies, not drinking on a bad day (yay), feeling actively suicidal about it (not yay), no therapy this week, or at least not on my regular day, and potentially new and very terrifying things.

That’s a lot for a Monday morning. Yeesh. I’m exhausted already.

To be honest, my mental health is struggling more than my sarcastic facade would like to admit. I’m having a hard time, and this depression actually feels really significant. I hate myself and who I have become, and I hate all of these feelings that I have that I don’t know what to do with.

Unfortunately, it’s Monday. Which means I have to get up and face the day. The kids need a mom, and I need to do my best for them…even if I really don’t feel like it.

Sometimes I just wish my husband understood how I was feeling. Physically or mentally. I know he gets it…but sometimes I wonder if he really gets it.

I just need someone to get it. Because right now, I really just want to give up.