I don’t want to share the baby

The closer my due date gets, the more ready I am to have this baby. Physically, emotionally…I’m just ready to have him here.

I’m 31 weeks pregnant now, and I was 1cm dilated at my appointment last week and am officially on “bed rest” (sort of, I’m really fucking bad at it though). I know he very well can be here at any time, and even if he isn’t “early”…I’m still not that far from my due date.

This will be my 4th baby. (I know, crazy, right?) So I kind of know what to expect by now. But here’s the issue.

I can be really selfish when it comes to the baby. And it will cause problems.

8 years ago, I had my first son. Except he wasn’t mine to keep. I got to love him and take care of him for his first few days of life, and then he went to live with his adoptive parents, and it has left me broken and shattered ever since.

Then, I had my now 5 year old. And I strongly believe that because of his brother before him…I had some attachment issues and really struggled a lot with him. Plus all of the health issues that he faced and the trauma that we both went through because of it…I don’t know. It’s been a rough ride with him.

So then my 3 year old came along. And boooy did he come with a mommy who had some baggage. Now, he’s got 2 brothers before him. One that was placed for adoption, and the other with a horrible infancy riddled with health issues and other things that threatened everything I knew to be good and safe. I was NOT about to let this baby down.

And I didn’t.

I was selfish with both of my (parented) sons…but significantly more so with my younger son. I couldn’t handle the idea of letting him go, of sharing responsibilities, of allowing anyone else to take care of him.

He and I are both still extremely bonded. He’s my little buddy, and he makes no secret that he prefers me to anyone else (no, I’m not complaining).

I feel like this baby…I feel like it’s going to be a similar story. He’s MY baby. I don’t want to share. I don’t want you to take him. And I don’t need your help.

It’s a little bit of baggage from everything I’ve been through. The experience of losing my son through adoption, the experience of being accused of starving my son by one doctor who knew fucking nothing about us before we got a diagnosis (and thank God I have a pediatrician that knows us and trusts me)…and just life in general.

It’s like, I don’t care how miserable and burnt out I am, don’t touch my baby, don’t take my baby, and don’t tell me what I’m doing with my baby is wrong. Because he’s mine. So get the fuck away from me.

This might not sound so bad, because I am his mom…but I do it with my husband too. I can be selfish when it comes to my husband, and I KNOW that isn’t fair. He wants to help more than I’ve let him, he wants to be more involved…but it’s just so hard for me to let go.

I know that this is my baggage to deal with, and my issue to solve. But to be honest…I’m not sure if I want to solve it. This very well might be my last baby. And the idea of missing even a second of it…of having to share…well, it sucks.

There’s definitely a grief process that goes along with it, and even more so when the lifespan of your kids is unknown and questionable.

I’ve talked about this in therapy, but not enough. I know I need to dig deeper into it and figure out what and how I can change this.

But I also know that I’m running out of time. We’re looking at just a few weeks left, and that’s if my health issues stay at bay and they don’t need to deliver him even earlier.

I’m excited, but I’m scared. I want everyone to love him, but I’m also already very protective of him. And while being protective is okay….I guess being selfish isn’t okay.

Either way, I can’t wait to meet him, and I can’t wait to hold him. I know it isn’t on him to heal my broken heart, but each time, I think it helps just a little bit more.

I hope I do a good enough job to earn his love, too.