The past few days, I’ve felt it coming. But I’m officially fighting the beast from within.
The anxiety of it all starting coming to a breaking point last night. It had been a ROUGH day with the kids, and I was just fucking spent.
My husband was going to the gym after work, which he always does on Thursdays, but I just…I did not want him to. I didn’t want to be alone, and I could tell that I would quickly spiral into anxiety and irritability and panic.
I didn’t ask him not to go, but I could feel the way I was feeling, and I knew that being alone for those extra few hours was NOT in my best interest.
Finally, it was after 7pm, and I thought he’d be home any minute. Then, do you know what he did? He called me telling me he was at the grocery store and asked if I wanted anything.
That’s right. He was even later coming home because he stopped at the store to get me apples and hummus. I mean, come on! Can you believe him?!
Yes, I’m being sarcastic, no he literally did nothing wrong. He came home and loved me and made me feel thought of and cared about by going out of his way to get me something he knew I wanted.
But still, for every minute that I was alone last night, I was spiraling into negative thoughts and anxiety. I felt alone and unloved and just…panicky about everything. That my life was terrible, that I’d never be okay again, that I’m just stuck in this life that I don’t feel good about and that I’ll never be happy or safe or anything.
I still feel that heaviness and anxiety this morning. Which is really not a good thing, because my anxiety nearly always presents itself as anger and frustration. Not exactly the qualities you want to be carrying around when you’ve got kids to deal with all day.
Honestly, the last thing I want to do is be around my kids today. That might sound shitty to say, but sometimes I need a fucking BREAK. Being with them 24/7 is great, until it’s just not. Until my brain is so fried, until I’m done being a referee and a maid and until I’m so overstimulated from the yelling and the noise and the touching that I just can not take it anymore.
On top of it all, I just got a message from my doctor that he wants to admit me to the hospital for “monitoring” after the holiday weekend. I have no idea for how long, and I really don’t even know what they’re looking for. But being stuck in the hospital is the last thing that I want.
Whatever is going on with me, with my brain right now…I think it just needs a reset. It needs a few hours of quiet and actual peace. I’ve been so overwhelmed with life lately that I feel like my brain is melting and pouring out of my ears.
I know I need to get in control of myself and my emotions, but quite frankly, I don’t want to. I just want to curl up in a ball and give up and just exist in the silence for a little while.
At least it’s Friday, and I know my husband will be around to help me all weekend. I’m grateful for that, and for him.
Just as long as he doesn’t stop at a store first.
7 thoughts on “When anxiety turns to irritability and worse”
As shitty and unpeaceful as hospital is, if nothing else, it will force you to rest in a way you just can’t with kids around. Yet again, I wish I could beat on your parents for not lifting a finger to be helpful…
Not gonna lie, that was one of my first thoughts when I first started thinking about it. It won’t be pleasant…but at least I won’t have to take care of anyone else while I’m there.
I had to laugh, because I experience the same emotions when Mitchell goes off schedule — and often, it’s because he is doing something kind for me or for another. I get it, Girl. If I still had little kids at home, I’d be spiraling out.
I hope that the recent diagnosis provides an opportunity for you and your family to receive more support and help at home. With a new baby coming, you’re going to need moments of peace and serenity to “reset”. I often need sleep when that particular button lights up in my head; but I realize that’s a difficult feat in your current situation.
Let your husband know how you’re feeling. Perhaps he can ensure that you get windows of time all to yourself this weekend. Hang in there. You have so much to look forward to! 🥰
Right? Like, how dare they try to love us?!
It’s frustrating, because I’ve been the same *me* forever, but my family has always blown off my medical stuff and always thought I was more or less just being dramatic about it. But now that doctors are actually concerned I guess they are too. But really it’s been the same thing all along, I guess my word just wasn’t good enough.
I’m absolutely kicking my husband and kids out the door tomorrow. If I don’t get a few hours of quiet I’m sure my head will actually explode 😅😜
I experienced that same phenomena with my own family… until there was a diagnosis from someone with some authority, I was just a drama queen looking for attention. Family can suck that way; but I’m glad they’ve been forced to reconsider their opinions (and wish they would have taken you at your word from the beginning).
And, “Yaasss, Girl!” Kick that family to the curb, and get some me time! (I only have the husband and the dog; and the husband still gets kicked out on a fairly regular basis because sometimes, he’s just too much. 🤣)
Being alone is one of my biggest triggers. I try to minimize and schedule my alone time. It is a challenge, for sure. I hope you find some peace
Being alone is one of my biggest triggers for sure too. It’s rough. I try to schedule “special” things, or give myself something to look forward to, but the nights always get me.