The past few days, I’ve felt it coming. But I’m officially fighting the beast from within.
The anxiety of it all starting coming to a breaking point last night. It had been a ROUGH day with the kids, and I was just fucking spent.
My husband was going to the gym after work, which he always does on Thursdays, but I just…I did not want him to. I didn’t want to be alone, and I could tell that I would quickly spiral into anxiety and irritability and panic.
I didn’t ask him not to go, but I could feel the way I was feeling, and I knew that being alone for those extra few hours was NOT in my best interest.
Finally, it was after 7pm, and I thought he’d be home any minute. Then, do you know what he did? He called me telling me he was at the grocery store and asked if I wanted anything.
That’s right. He was even later coming home because he stopped at the store to get me apples and hummus. I mean, come on! Can you believe him?!
Yes, I’m being sarcastic, no he literally did nothing wrong. He came home and loved me and made me feel thought of and cared about by going out of his way to get me something he knew I wanted.
But still, for every minute that I was alone last night, I was spiraling into negative thoughts and anxiety. I felt alone and unloved and just…panicky about everything. That my life was terrible, that I’d never be okay again, that I’m just stuck in this life that I don’t feel good about and that I’ll never be happy or safe or anything.
I still feel that heaviness and anxiety this morning. Which is really not a good thing, because my anxiety nearly always presents itself as anger and frustration. Not exactly the qualities you want to be carrying around when you’ve got kids to deal with all day.
Honestly, the last thing I want to do is be around my kids today. That might sound shitty to say, but sometimes I need a fucking BREAK. Being with them 24/7 is great, until it’s just not. Until my brain is so fried, until I’m done being a referee and a maid and until I’m so overstimulated from the yelling and the noise and the touching that I just can not take it anymore.
On top of it all, I just got a message from my doctor that he wants to admit me to the hospital for “monitoring” after the holiday weekend. I have no idea for how long, and I really don’t even know what they’re looking for. But being stuck in the hospital is the last thing that I want.
Whatever is going on with me, with my brain right now…I think it just needs a reset. It needs a few hours of quiet and actual peace. I’ve been so overwhelmed with life lately that I feel like my brain is melting and pouring out of my ears.
I know I need to get in control of myself and my emotions, but quite frankly, I don’t want to. I just want to curl up in a ball and give up and just exist in the silence for a little while.
At least it’s Friday, and I know my husband will be around to help me all weekend. I’m grateful for that, and for him.
Just as long as he doesn’t stop at a store first.