I woke up this morning feeling…off. I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling like shits gonna hit the fan.
Things feel off in my marriage. Not bad, there’s no problems or fights or really anything that I can put my finger on…but I just feel like there’s something off. Which probably means that the problem lies within me.
All my usual tasks feel about 1000% harder right now, and I really have no interest in doing anything that requires even an ounce of effort. Maybe that’s a result of some ignored mental health, but it’s probably more likely a result of being 33 weeks pregnant. And it’s become an exhausting feat to simply just exist.
I just have no motivation or energy to do anything. I don’t want to be around people, and I kind of just want to give up.
It also feels like I’m running out of time. Like we’re coming up to the last few days, few weeks, of “normalcy”. Once this baby comes, nothing with ever be the same. And sure, that’s not inherently a bad thing…but it is a scary thing. Change is always scary for me, especially when it’s as unpredictable and unknown as adding an entire knew person into the mix.
There’s nothing “wrong” right now. Nothing that I can pinpoint, or directly put my finger on…other than just…life itself and all that that is right now.
Honestly, I keep saying that my kids are going through a rough phase, and they really probably are, but I think I’m just extra sensitive to it right now, too. Suddenly, they seem twice as loud and twice as…frustrating. And it’s harder for me to keep my own emotions in check when it comes to that. It’s so easy to resort to yelling and frustration…but I know that isn’t the solution either.
Even though nothing is “wrong” (except for everything that is)…I can’t help but feel this sense of impending doom. It really does feel like the calm before the storm right now, and I just don’t know why.
I hate uncertainties, and right now, everything feels so uncertain. And scary.
I think when I feel like this, the best thing to do is to STOP looking at things in the big picture, and to just break everything down and make it smaller. Right now, in this minute, in this second…everything is okay. My job for today is to paint a brick wall before therapy tomorrow.
I also need to prepare for being hospitalized this week, because apparently, I’ll be in the hospital for up to 3 days this week. And that terrifies me.
But, to reference Laura Clery here…right now, I am okay. And you’re okay. I know you’re okay because you’re here reading my blog. If you really weren’t okay, you wouldn’t be here reading my blog. You’d be being chased by a mother fucking lion. But right now in this moment, you’re reading a blog. So right now, you’re okay.
Staying in today, staying in the moment…
Right now, I’m okay. Because I’m here writing this post.
So I’m okay. And even if I have a sense of impending doom, or like things might suddenly get awful and terrible…right now, they’re not. And I can’t control anything that is happening outside of this moment.
So maybe I’ll just stop trying to, and let go. Surrender.
I think it’s no wonder you’re feeling that way. You’re completely exhausted, and very soon you’ll shift from being pregnant and your body not being your own to having a new baby who may well be premature and your own body where alcohol becomes an option, plus there’s the whole wheelchair thing… Everything won’t necessarily be awful and terrible and doom-ish, but it’s a whole heck of a lot on the horizon.
Exactly. Everything just feels so up in the air and chaotic. Even if there’s “nothing wrong”, well, it’s all just a little bit wrong. Especially when I quite literally have no control over the majority of it.
You’re going through some major changes, to be sure. And uncertainty is never pleasant. Sending you peaceful vibes!
Yeah, the uncertainty of it is certainly rough for sure!