The first(?) step towards breaking down this brick wall that I’ve built around myself is to just admit that I cannot control this.
I have no control over my addictions, over alcohol…I just can’t control it.
That’s the focus in therapy right now. Just simply coming to terms with the fact that this is not something I have control over. It just isn’t. And as much as I want to keep trying to control it and assert logic over this…when I am free to drink, when my body is completely my own (and I’m not pregnant)…I simply don’t have control over my drinking.
I’ve proven that time and time again, and it’s time to just surrender myself to the idea that I can’t just “be better” at it.
Therapy went well last night, even though carrying on a conversation for longer than 5 minutes is physically impossible right now. I’m sure I look ridiculous trying to breathe while also trying to talk…but that’s ok. I have nearly 5 pounds of baby coexisting in the space that my lungs usually occupy.
We spent most of the time talking about the brick wall that I did actually paint, and worked on filling the bricks out. Apparently my wall has 54 bricks in it. So we worked on making a list of 54 things that make up my wall…of thoughts, feelings, behaviors..stuff like that.
It was both productive and surprising making that list, and even though I tried not to, I did filter out some of the darker thoughts that I had.
But the first thing I need to do, the first brick to come out of the wall, is just to start admitting and accepting the fact that I can’t control it. Which honestly, is a super strange concept to me. I don’t really understand or accept the fact there there is something in this world that I can’t control, especially when it comes to my own behaviors.
I just want to be better than it, stronger…able to control it and have control over it. But I understand that I don’t…even if that’s going to take some getting used to and some thought adjustment.
I don’t have therapy next week, which honestly really sucks. And it will probably make next week feel a million days long. I’ll definitely struggle, but it gives me time to finish my list and to work on my wall some more.
I just want to feel better. I want to do better. There is a part of me that understands and accepts that I can’t just “be better” at this. My brain is just not wired that way, apparently. But I’m starting to accept it, and I’m starting to get it.
One by one, maybe the bricks can come out of the wall after all.