It’s been…a hell of a weekend. Life is starting to catch up with me, and to be honest, all I want to do is drink.
Like…all I want to do.
I’ve managed to abstain from slipping back into some bad patterns, but it’s been hard. All day today, all I wanted to do was drink.
Back when things were really bad with my drinking, it was an all day thing. I would wake up and start drinking and pretty much just ride that wave all day. Trying to manage withdrawals, trying to deal with the bullshit that is my life…just trying to survive.
Today was rough. My 5 year old was in a mood and was just…challenging. I handled the situation well and stayed calm in the moments that I needed to with him, but shit. At the end of the day, all I want is a fucking drink. My anxiety is through the roof, and I just want to feel better.
Since the baby has been born, I’ve managed to avoid liquor so far. I’ve had a few hard seltzers for the past few weeks most nights, but I haven’t actually made a drink. I’m told that that still counts…but it doesn’t really feel like drinking.
I know that it is…but I certainly haven’t lost control, and it still feels very manageable.
…….which makes me feel almost safe enough to lose control.
That’s the problem. I’ve basically been scared sober for a little while now. Things were awful. Like, really fucking awful. Then I was sober for the entirety of my pregnancy, which I knew and planned for going into it.
So once he was born, and I got my own body back and the freedom to do with it what I wanted…I was terrified.
But now I’ve “tested the waters” in a way, and I feel lulled into a bullshit sense of security with it. And that’s the thing. I absolutely know that’s it’s bullshit.
Tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away from the drink that I really want. And I know that once I go down that path….it will be absolute hell trying to get off it.
I don’t know that I want to fight anymore, to be honest.
Some days are hard.
Today was hard.
And I’ll I’ve been doing is fighting.
Fighting myself, fighting the urges, trying to be strong, trying not to drink….
Some days I just don’t want to.
Tonight, I wish I had the freedom to just do what I wanted. Without fighting.
I know that it won’t make me feel better. Drinking will make me feel worse. It will make me feel guilty and it will make all of my real feelings that I’ve been avoiding come flooding back in.
But feeling my real feelings?
Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.
Pushing them down certainly never helps.
I just wish I was stronger, I wish I wasn’t weak.
I wish things were easier.
But you have so much to fight for!! If you knew it was the best for your baby while you were pregnant, what makes you think it’s no longer the best for your kids now? They’re still here, and they still need you, and your wellbeing affects them too. Hang in there, momma 🫂
I know. You’re right. But I try to justify it by saying “it’s fine as long as they’re all in bed and asleep”. I know that doesn’t make it better…but it my head, it does.
You feel a lot of anxiety, you wrote. Do you know what that’s about?
I honestly don’t even know where it stems from. I think a lot of it is just the kind the never ending feeling of life right now. Like, it never ends, my job is never done, and I just never feel settled. I think always having to be “on” is just…hard.
I really get that! It’s exhausting, and you just long for a rest.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so hard! But being sober wasn’t o my good during your pregnancy, it’s still good now. You get to really enjoy your kids, even when they’re being pains in the behind. They do care and I guess they have more fun with you when you’re not under the influence of anything but love.
I can’t imagine the struggle of wanting to drink so badly. I only hope you’ll chose the right thing for you and your family. You were on a great track, don’t lose it now “just because you can”, stay on this track of being sober “because you’re worth it!”.
Sending you much strength and love 🍀
That’s true, I shouldn’t do something just because I can. I still need to try to do better
Believe that you are worth your efforts. Believe that you are valuable and a great person. I know thoughts may want to tell you that you suck and tou should drown your sorrows. But those thoughts aren’t real, it’s the addiction trying to persuede you. You’re worth the positives all the way! ♥
Thanks. I’m having a bad thoughts night, so it’s nice to be reminded that maybe I am worth it.
Yes you are 💪🏼 I hope you get through the night alright. Maybe even some good sleep. 🍀