8 and a half years ago, I experienced the most painful and the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
I said hello and goodbye to my son. In 2014, I gave birth to my first baby boy. The most perfect baby boy in the whole world. (Trust me, I’m sure.)
It’s been 8 years. 8 years that I have showed up from afar. Stuck around. Maintained boundaries and allowed myself to exist in the very small space I was offered.
I stayed quiet, but known. (With permission), I sent gifts on Christmas and birthdays. I never missed a year. I sent letters and notes and pictures. And I was consistent.
Despite the pain, I have done my best to stay present in a boys life who I had absolutely no idea if he even knew I existed. The love I have always had for him surpassed any pain that accompanied it.
Yesterday, after 8 years of purposefully staying at arms length…I got confirmation that my son wants me. That he’s needing me in a way I’ve been so hopeful and desperate for.
It started with a text about Christmas presents, and it ended with the most hope I’ve ever had.
Adoptive parent – “(Birth son) is talking about all of you too.”
Me – I’ve been wanting to mention this, I don’t want (birth son) to think that we only think about him on Christmas and birthdays. So if you or he need me to do anything more or extra, please let me know. I’d hate for him to wonder if we only think about him a few times a year or anything like that.
AP – He doesn’t think that . We are trying to better undertand what (birth son) wants and why he wants it. I think at some point a FaceTime may work. But we need to think about (birth sons older brother) birth family who may not be as receptive. It’s complicated but we are committed to thinking it through.
Me – I completely understand, I just want you to know we’re here. And that’s why I do always try to include (birth sons older brother) as well, because I want him to feel loved and thought of too. We are here for him as well in any way that he needs. But I certainly imagine how complicated it must be.
So….holy shit. Aside from the occasional conversation I have with my sons parents…
This is huge.
I don’t even know if I have the words to explain why this is so huge.
First of all, I never knew if this day would even ever come. And now, it’s here. Or, at least, it’s pending. It will be here soon.
Ugh. This is hard. I can’t even adequately explain why it’s so hard.
I said goodbye once. In April of 2014, I said goodbye.
I’ve yet to say hello again since saying goodbye.
Let me make this clear. I will do absolutely whatever my son needs and wants me to do. This isn’t the time to be selfish or to think about my own feelings.
But am I ready to open myself up to that level of pain? To say hello again, just to have to say goodbye?
What if that’s the only time I ever talk to him? What if he realizes he hates me and wants nothing to do with me?
It’s a lot. It’s a lot to take in, a lot to wrap my head around, and a lot to process.
This will hurt. Whenever it happens, if it ever happens…it will be a hurt that I’ve never experienced. Saying hello just to say goodbye again…actually talking to my son for the first time in his life….yeah.
It’s a lot.
I need to be stronger so that I don’t fall apart afterwards. I’m worried that this will be break me in ways that I’m just not strong enough to come back from.
I will always be there for my son. Whatever he needs, however he needs me, I will be there.
But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.
I just don’t want to lose him again.