Wagon? What wagon?

Off the wagon: to be drinking alcohol again after a period of abstinence.

If an alcoholic could ever drink “responsibly” (which they can’t), I’m sure it would look a lot like this. A lot like what I’m doing now.

Drinking in “reasonable” amounts, only at night, and not harming anyone. Well, at least no one but myself.

But, let’s be clear here. I’m not stupid, and as much as I’d like to, I don’t live in a false reality.

The truth is, I’m an addict. And as much as I’d like to lull myself into believing it…there is no “responsible” amount of drinking that I can achieve.

The truth is, once again, I find myself deeper in this shit than I’d care to admit. Yes, my drinking could appear to be “reasonable”. Maybe to the outside eye.

But to the knowing eye? To my own knowing truths? I’m pretty far gone. The drinking is now every night. We’ve moved from “hard seltzers that don’t count” to my own pours of my preferred mixed drink, which do absolutely count.

We are no longer in grey area, the path is now clear.

I’m on the path of destruction.

Drinking, while seemingly benign and without harm to others, is on the fast track back to bullshit and chaos.

And I’m the driver.

Above all else, I want to drink. That’s the driving desire behind each night. Get the kids to sleep, get my ducks in a row, and earn a drink. Then another.

I’m the creator of my own madness.

I’m deeper in than I want to be, and I know if I don’t get control of this now and reign it in, I won’t be able to at all.

I feel guilty this morning, like I’ve done something wrong, even though I haven’t.

Tonight has to be the night I stop the cycle. Tonight has to be a night where I don’t drink anything. And certainly not a few mixed drinks. I don’t want to go back to the way things were. Passing out every night, missing out on memories, waking up wondering what happened the night before.

This isn’t the life that I want. I know I have to do better. I have to stop the cycle. And I have to stop it now. Tonight.

I don’t have therapy today, when today is normally the day that I would. Frankly, that really freaking sucks, and I wish more than anything that I did. I feel alone in this, and that’s a scary feeling.

But I’m stronger than this. I can do better.

Tonight, I will do better.