Sometimes I feel like screaming

Sometimes, I simply just want to scream.

That’s how I feel after leaving a stressful therapy session last night.

I feel like I fucked it up, I feel like things I said were left untouched, ignored or not explored. I’m feeling frustrated and…simply like a failure.

I can tell when my therapist is frustrated with me. I don’t blame her, I often feel frustrated with myself for the very same reasons. But sometimes I wish that things were…ugh. I don’t know. I just wish they were different sometimes.

I tried hard last night, maybe too hard. And maybe it came across as disingenuous or fake, or like just another therapy session where we talk about alcohol but nothing has changed…..

Like I said, I can understand why my therapist might feel frustrated with me at times. Because I say that I’m ready for this shit with alcohol to be different, but my actions don’t necessarily reflect that.

And that’s fucking frustrating! I get it, it frustrates me too.

I brought it up at the wrong time, and when I brought it up, it seemed like a deflection and an excuse. But I tried to bring up something that has been really bothering me and upsetting me, and it just didn’t go over well.

Honestly, last night, I came home feeling like complete shit and crying in my bathroom a few hours and a few drinks later. I was supposed to talk to and open up to my husband, but I felt too guarded, and I couldn’t do it. Instead, hours later, I was feeling pretty fucking broken down and defeated, so I texted my best friend instead.

It was nearly 11pm when I texted her, and I desperately hoped she wouldn’t respond, but I was feeling so many feelings and honestly, talking to her felt like the right thing to do.

She ended up responding in the middle of the night (the joys of having a baby) and her response made me feel a lot better and a lot less alone.

My message to her –

I know you’re probably sleeping and that’s fine, I don’t expect or really want a response. But I am struggling with drinking again and I had therapy tonight and she basically told me that I can’t do it alone and that I need people. Except that I hate relying on people, so that’s really hard for me. I don’t know what the point of me telling you this is, and I’m sure I’ll hate myself for it in the morning. But I know she’s right and I can’t do it alone, but it’s also something that I refuse to talk about with anyone. My life is hard and I just don’t know how to deal with it other than drinking. But dealing with it alone isn’t working either. And I know I need to do better. but I also know it’s not your problem and I don’t expect it to be. At the end of the day, I’m more than just a person that struggles with drinking. And I’m scared that’s all anyone will see me as sometimes. But I also know I can’t do this myself, and I know I need support people. Even if the very thought of that makes me fucking cringe.
Ugh. I’m sorry. Please ignore me. I know I’m not your problem and I don’t intend to be. But sometimes I need to talk and honestly you’re the person I trust the most and feel I can be the most open with.

And her reply –

Ok first of all, we’ve been friends for 22 years now so you are my “problem” and nothing is ever going to change that and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Only you’re not actually a problem or a bother to me ever. This is literally what best friends are for and I am so happy that you feel comfortable enough to reach out to me and ask me for support. That being said… please please please tell me what I can do to help. Because you know that I will literally do anything within my power to help you.

You are SO much more than just a person who struggles with drinking. There is no denying that you have been through some SHIT your entire life. But you are so much more than all of that shit as well. You are by far the strongest person I have ever known and probably ever will know, you are the most amazing mom and you are the best best friend that I could have ever asked for in my life. I know that last part especially because literally no matter what you have going on you are always there when I need you and I could not have asked for a better best friend to grow up with and to have by my side all of these years- ESPECIALLY this past year.

Please don’t hate yourself for reaching out to me about this because I am so glad that you did. I want to be there for you and support you step by step however you need me to be. And I will be. Just please tell me how. Please tell me what exactly I can do. Please lean on me. Please use me. I love you beyond measure and I will always do everything that I can to help you however I can.

How can I support you? How can I hold you accountable for things? Please tell me. Whatever it is.

I love you.

Her response was pretty much perfect and made me feel a lot better and a lot less alone.

I don’t really know how to answer her or what to say. If I knew how someone could help me, it would be a lot easier. But I don’t know what I need, only that I do need people and I do need support.

Therapy was rough and it didn’t go exactly how I wanted it too. I felt frustrated and like a failure. And I went home hating myself.

I wasn’t able to talk to my husband, but I’m glad I was able to at least open up to my friend.

I guess it’s a step in the right direction, even if things suck right now.