Forward is forward…

Last night, therapy went really well.

First of all, it was beautiful and rainy and freezing…so, just my kind of weather. (Although my therapist would disagree about the near freezing temperature being perfect.)

But aside from that, it was really productive and it felt good. I met my goal for the week of measuring drinks, and we talked about that. Then we worked on making a new goal of eliminating that totally unnecessary last drink. The drink that always seems to put me over the edge and that I always end up regretting.

We went into detail about the hurdles and obstacles that would get in the way of me meeting my goal, and problem solved ways to deal with them. Spoiler alert – most of them involved actually talking to my husband.

We worked through a lot and made good use of the 2 hours and I’m always going to be relieved and grateful whenever therapy goes well. I don’t know why she hasn’t given up on me yet, honestly, but I am grateful for her and her willingness to continue to deal with me. I think it’s been like 7 and a half years now. Crazy. (Oh yeah. That’s another thing she wants me to do, bullet point 3 things I’m thankful for each day. Ugh.)

I did come home and actually talk to my husband. Granted, I had a few drinks in me when I finally did, but still. I asked him a question that I was afraid to know the answer to about something that happened the night before, and then I talked to him about my drinking goal for the week. Alcohol is something I never talk about with my husband. It’s sort of just this…unspoken thing between us. He knows I drink, we both know I drink too much, and we both know that historically, it causes issues between us whenever he says anything to me about it.

But I also know I’ll need his help if I genuinely do want to achieve my goal and drink less. So I told him that this week the goal in therapy is to not drink that last drink. And his response was that he was glad. And he said “can I tell you something? I don’t like the first drink either. Or the second. Or any of them”. So we talked… a very little bit. And it took a lot out of me to be able to even do that.

It was a good night overall and I’m glad it went the way that it did. I didn’t have that last drink last night and I didn’t make my other drinks stronger to compensate. I’m motivated to do this. I can’t keep going at this pace and I can’t keep letting alcohol fuck up my life.

Forward is forward, no matter the pace.