It’s a night. Nothing is wrong except for the fact that everything is wrong.

Lighters are tempting. Sharp objects are tempting. Pills are tempting. And I just want it all. I want to die.

I want out.

I fucking want out.

There are parts of me that don’t care about the joy or the love or the smiles. There are parts of me that only exist to feel the pain, and to threaten my very existence.

I try to live my life in the truth within the honesty…. And I’ll be honest. Sure, drunkenly honest, but honest nonetheless. I’ve been thinking more and more about life. And pain.

And ending the pain.

Or furthering my addiction.

Not that that’s the goal….but let’s be real.

I live with a chronic, painful, life threatening neuromuscular condition.

And I’ve refused pain meds for it since day one.

All of my 28 years…I’ve refused pills.

Because I’m stronger than the pain.

Because I’m better than the pain.

But maybe…just maybe…..I deserve some relief from the pain. And maybe…just maybe…it would be so easy to become addicted to something else.

Right now, I want to die.

Right now???

It would be so easy to give in and give up.

Right now all I want to do is give the fuck up.

I want to hurt myself. I want to give up. All I want is a boat load of pills or sharp objects or fucking whatever else.

I’m struggling.

I’m struggling more than I’d ever admit out load.

I am fucking having a hard time, and I’m not okay.

So maybe tonight = skin meets objects. I’ve been clean for over a year, maybe two. But tonight…maybe just not so much.

I’m struggling. And I am SICK of fucking hiding it.


But does that matter?

No, probably not.

Either way, we are where we are.

I’m not okay.

I want to die.

I want to hurt myself.

I’ve entered my downward spiral.

Let’s see if anyone can pull me out.

I really fucking hope that they can.

To be 1000% clear?

I am not okay.

Even though I really wish that I was.

17 thoughts on “Help…?”

      1. You are incredibly strong. I wish you could see it.
        I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but please don’t hurt yourself. I was just looking at your cute son’s picture in the previous post. He needs his momma…
        You’re worthy. ❤️

      2. He is the best and the cutest. But I wonder if I’m enough for him. If my existence helps him or will only hinder him. I love all of them so much. And I’d hate for my existence to hurt them.
        That’s my biggest fear.

  1. Life is worth fighting for. Difficult feelings, emotional experiences , even experiences where we lose all hope and question all meaning are just an experience at this time… And it will pass.

  2. I hope your night went OK.
    Sorry the struggles are so hard. Please don’t turn to self harm. In the end, you’ll end up angry and/or ashamed of it and it may lead to drinking more and feeling even worse 😔
    I hope you can see how strong you are. It’s the mental struggle that doesn’t want you to realize you’re stronger than it is. You can do this. If not for all the right reasons.. Maybe for some wrong ones? Sending big hugs!

    1. You’re right, it will definitely end up with me hating myself more and probably drinking more because of it. That’s usually the cycle.
      But yeah, I just need to be stronger than the dark thoughts.

      1. Isn’t there anything that you can do to cause some distraction of those thoughts? Favorite movies, games, series…? Not favorite drinks of course 😉 I find that keeping my mind focused on positive things can help me get through tougher moments

  3. It does matter that you’re struggling and I hope you would even reach out to lil old me if you felt like venting or talking to anyone. I know it may seem weird, coming from me, but it’s true. <3

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