Looking for the light

Even when therapy goes well, which it did again last night) I come home so COMPLETELY exhausted. I don’t get home usually until around 8:20pm, but I’m always so tired. Every week.

This morning we had to get up early at like 5am to be on the road by 6:30 to take all 3 kids for their big important neuromuscular appointment. We go to see this doctor twice a year and it’s always kind of a big deal. It’s a good 2 and a half hours away, so it will be a looong day.

Despite the fact that I had a pretty shit week and drank more than I was technically supposed to, therapy still went well and was productive. We made a new goal for this week, which honestly, may or may not be achievable for me. She had me fill out worksheets about “challenging thoughts” and we made a list of (healthy) coping skills.

There are some weeks where even 2 hours doesn’t feel like enough time. Last night was one of those times. We got a lot done, which I’m happy about, but there was still so much on my mind that I never found the strength to actually say. Sometimes it’s easier to do a task than it is to actually sit talk about things.

Even though my life has been pretty shit lately, I’m really glad that the one thing that’s not, is therapy. It feels stable, which helps me feel stable and hopeful.

I’ve been shutting down with pretty much everyone in my life. I’ve been feeling like a burden or a problem, and haven’t been being open or honest with anyone. And I think that contributed to my week being harder than usual.

I know I need to keep fighting and keep working on all of this. I’ll work on meeting my goal for this week, I’ll try using some of those “healthy” coping skills, and I’ll try being more open and talking to people.

I did better with drinking last night, but I usually always do after therapy. I can’t say how tonight will go, because today already kind of sucks, but I’ll try to stick to the goal.

For now…I’m stuck in traffic and bad weather and we still have an hour and a half left in the car. Ugh. At least we have 3 hours worth of appointment time so even if we’re a little late, it should be okay.

Hopefully the doctor doesnt give us and bad news on the condition of our kids, hopefully we make it in time, and hopefully my head doesn’t explode from a grumpy and bored 4 year old who doesn’t understand time or traffic and why we’re not going fast, and a 6 year old who’d rather be doing anything else. 😝

I’ll keep looking for the light, even when everything feels dark. I guess that’s all I can do.

7 thoughts on “Looking for the light”

  1. I hope the appointments went well and the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home! Also, I hope you are able to try out a few of the healthy coping skills. Wishing you the best.

    1. The baby slept the entire way home. My other 2 fought about crayons 🤦🏻‍♀️😂
      I’ve been doing a bit better with coping skills this week, so that’s a plus!

      1. Every time you are kind to yourself and make a healthy coping choice, you are strengthening that muscle for more use in the future. ❤️

      2. You don’t suck at it! You have a history of trauma (not to mention current high stress) that put some survival strategies in place. These worked, but long-term they are hard on you. It’s hard to change, especially when you live with so many demands. Nd don’t get enough rest and space to support yourself. You are doing great under really difficult demands.

      3. Thank you for saying that, it means a lot. Sometimes I forget that I’m not just a shitty person and really I’m just trying to survive.

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