Nothing left to give

Do you ever have those days where you wake up with absolutely nothing in the tank?

No spoons, no energy…no shits to give?

Yeah. That’s me this morning. I woke up feeling like I didn’t get any sleep at all (which I got very little of anyway). The nightmares were horrible, and even when the baby was sleeping, I was still waking up a ton.

Yesterday was incredibly rough. I had to deal with my son, who was being particularly unpleasant by the end of the day, the baby is fighting sleep haaaaaard (hello, 4 month sleep regression), and on top of that, my 7 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow, and we haven’t done anything to celebrate it.

So I’m just feeling very…I’m feeling very empty. I’m feeling very beaten down.

When you already, very strongly, have the idea in your head that your family would be better off without you, and then your 6 year old tells you he’d “be happier if I were gone” and that everything would be better if I wasn’t here…yeah. It sucks.

Logically, of course I know he was just angry (not even at me, he was just upset in general) and lashing out. I know that. I know he didn’t mean it.

But the words still hurt when I already feel that way about myself.

Like, yeah. I am sorry that I exist.

I don’t know, I’m just burnt out.

I have nothing to give today. There’s nothing in the tank for me to offer to anyone else.

So maybe today, I just spend cuddling with my baby, who luckily only ever smiles when he sees me. I’ll appreciate the now with him.

And I’ll try to find some spoons to make it through to tomorrow.