Parenting is hard.

Atlas is 4 months old today. And out of all 3 of my kids…he has been by far the easiest the past 4 months.

Life has been chaos and difficult and loud. There have been constant sleepless nights and way too many early mornings. Nights are going much better now, and he usually only wakes up to eat between 4-5am. So far, we’ve avoided the dreaded 4 month sleep regression, but I know that could be just around the corner.

But, as I said…he’s been the easiest part of these past 4 months.

I don’t like talking about my struggles because I guess I see it as a failure on my part…but, guys…parenting is really fucking hard.

Parenting 3 highly complicated and medically needy kids is hard.

My 6 year old just officially got an ADHD diagnosis. Which is neither surprising or upsetting, I’ve known he’s had it since he was 2. Both my husband and I do… so, yeah. Not surprised. But his behavior lately has been….challenging. To say the least.

And it affects me a great deal. But it’s just…it’s one of those things that I feel guilty talking about. Like, I shouldn’t complain about my kids, because at least they’re alive and at least they’re here. And I should spent every moment feeling grateful instead of the moments I spend feeling resentful.

But sometimes, I do. Sometimes I do feel resentful. Or angry or upset. And it makes me feel incredibly guilty.

Sometimes, especially with my 6 year old… I just feel like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. He’s so different from my others. And he has been since day 1. He can be the sweetest, kindest and most thoughtful boy in the world. He really can be.

But he also has another side that just isn’t pleasant. The side that is impulsive and disrespectful and mean. (Or, at least that’s how it presents. It stems from ADHD and anxiety and I think a bit of sensory issues…but the result is hard to handle.)

And that’s the side I’m seeing more of lately. And I don’t know how to handle it. Do I crack down? Do I get tougher, tighter boundaries and more consequences? Or do I go the opposite direction, loosen up, give him more freedom, let him express himself more? It seems like no matter what I do, I’m doing something wrong.

So I spent every day this week calling and reaching out to different therapists near me to see if I could find someone to see a 6 year old. I found a few, but most of them have waitlists and don’t have any openings for a few weeks. But at least it’s a start.

On Friday, he’s going to come with me to see my therapist, which feels like a relief. She isn’t seeing him, but she’s seeing him in the sense of please teach me the best way to deal with him. So I’m hoping something good comes of that.

I don’t blame my drinking on anything or anyone but myself…but I will say that I do find myself drinking more on days that are particularly stressful. And obviously, that’s a pattern that I’d like to break.

Parenting is hard. And when my husband and I do argue, it’s always because of the kids. Usually my oldest. So I would really like this point of tension to be…less tense.

Anyway, here’s a picture of Atlas telling me how he really feels. 😂