Letting go of what I can’t control

It’s day 3 of my trip, and things are going….well, they are going.

Anxiety is vey much present, and even though I’m definitely happier being here in my hotel room than I would be at home right now…my anxiety is a heck of a lot worse.

Things at home are out of my control, simply because I’m not there. I thought it would be easier to put the blinders in and stay focused on me and what I need to do…but that’s been hard.

My husband gets migraines under times of stress or when his body is sick, or really anytime things aren’t perfect.

He’s had 2 migraines in the 3 days I’ve been gone, including this morning. Apparently he woke up with one, and my dad had to drive my son to school this morning because it was so bad. So now I’m just worried about him, I feel guilty about being gone, I feel 100% out of the loop because communication is nearly 0, and just…I don’t know. It’s a lot.

As far as how I’m doing….I slept nearly 9 hours last night. And if you’ve been following along for any time now, you KNOW how precious that is. My keeps have been basically ensuring that I only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night for the last few months, so it was truly amazing.

I also took like a good 45 minute shower this morning. Which is absolutely unheard of. And, I WOULD say that no one busted in on me, except that housekeeping sure did. 😂

I put the little lock up in the door because they came around this time yesterday, and I was glad I did. Because sure enough, they were VERY persistent in trying to get in and I kept hearing them opening the door for a solid 5 minutes.

Then, we got a call from our guest speaker who is supposed to fly in tomorrow, saying that her flight got cancelled and she doesn’t know what to do, because to rebook would cost nearly $1,000…which is clearly over the original price of the ticket.

No one else could pay the difference, so I offered to.

When you have a retreat like this, having a guest speaker is incredibly important. It’s usually someone within the adoption triad, either a birth mom, adoptive parent, or adoptee. Not having a guest speaker would lead to an event that didn’t feel complete. So I felt like I needed to do WHATEVER it took to get her here.

As of right now, I still don’t know if she was able to book another ticket that would get her here on time, but I’m hopeful it will work out. (((I just got confirmation that she will be here! Ahhh!!!!)))

This retreat is my baby this year. And I want it to be as meaningful of a weekend for everyone who attends as they always have been in the past for me.

So, yeah. There’s a lot going on. My husband is sick and has all 3 kids by himself, we may or may not have a guest speaker for this weekend, I can’t do anything about any of it…but it’s ok.

I’m here, I’m doing my best, I’m eating and sleeping and taking care of my own needs for the first time in months…and I’m doing what I can for myself while I still can.

I’ll leave you with this, a picture of my 4 year old. Who, despite whatever is going on in the world…..he’s gonna do what makes him happy. And destroy the closet to get dressed in a Santa costume in May. He’s a wild one, but he makes me smile.