The carousel never stops turning…

As per usual, my whirlwind of a life continues.

Have you ever gone to therapy and word vomited for 2 hours straight?

That’s what it felt like last night. It felt like I just nervous talked and didn’t stop the entire time.

What the hell is that about?

I don’t know. I left hating myself, which is fine. Because I went there hating myself. And just kind of life in general.

I don’t know how to explain it. But how I’m feeling right now doesn’t match how I look. I’ve said it before. On the outside, I’m sure it looks like I’m fine. I’m not outwardly shutting down, I’m showing up for the things l that I need to (sort of), and I’m not exactly (outwardly) withdrawn. It’s like I’m forcing myself to be the opposite of how I feel, because no one in my life will be strong if I can’t be.

But I don’t at all feel good or strong or okay. Like, I cannot even begin to explain the deep and intense urge I have to literally just run away. I feel so trapped and so stuck.

The carousel never stops turning. You can’t get off.

But I want off. I need off.

I need it to stop turning.

And I don’t know how else to say it. I’m just not feeling very okay.