Losing the light

Tonight sucks.

I’m feeling alone. (Deja fucking vu, right?)

I don’t think this phase of life will ever end. I’m beginning to feel like my husband will never come home. (His dad is very sick and he’s been taking care of him for the past few weeks).

These nights get…intense.

Sleeping has gotten harder. The nights filled with nightmares and restlessness.

Drinking has become…well, we’re reaching amounts only seen years ago when my addiction had completely taken over. And I’m desperately trying to stop it from getting that bad.

This is the second post I’ve written tonight. The first will live in my drafts folder for now. Probably forever.

I’m so tired. Of all of it.

I’m truly so tired. I’m being kind with my words tonight, but trust me when I say, I am so tired. And so alone.

I’m running out of stamina to keep this up.

3 thoughts on “Losing the light”

  1. Hugs! I have been through some impossibly dark times, and there have been .any occasions when it seemed impossible and I thought about ending it all.

    Today I am up early, getting ready for my first day back at my dream job. And I am also going to spend the day celebrating a year of sobriety, with my co-workers, yoga friends, and in my Homegroup Zoom meeting.

    I don’t tell you that to brag. I tell you that because the only sure thing in life is change. And when you find that light again, it is even more beautiful. I will end with a quote from one of my favorite Houstonians:

    “The darkness does not destroy the light. It defines it.” Brene Brown

    1. I love that so much for you, and I am so proud of you!!!! I really am.

      Things will definitely change. I just hope that it’s soon, and for the better 😂

  2. Normal people have no clue what PTSD can do you your soul

    Our intrusive thoughts bring danger, we create a parallel world of treachery and fear

    Recently my nervous system sent me to this same place.

    We have to hide places away from our trauma

    We can not see the cyclical nature of our plight.

    What sets us off is usually familiar

    We feel vulnerable and alone

    That feels like a failure to us

    I hope you find a safe space quickly

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